Monthly Archives: January 2015

darkness

I hope you aren’t reading this with a faint heart.  Today was the worst day of my life.  Yesterday was a blur, I was floating a cloud of people, caffeine, adreneline, disbelief.  Today I am a puddle on the ground.  It tried to go to his funeral planning session and I couldn’t breathe.  I was shaking, I was nauseous.  I had to leave and as I walked out I crumpled on the sidewalk and wailed and screamed.  The reality of picking out a casket for your child is one of those things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I wish I could have been stabbed instead or beat in the head with a baseball bat.  I just want to sink down in the ground and be gone.  I don’t want to die because I have four beautiful alive children that need me.  I just don’t know I’m ever going to be able to be a parent to them.  I’m not whole anymore.  I’m broken. Shattered.

Nightmare

Yesterday was horrific. Today is worse. I’m supposed to meet with a funeral home today. I don’t think I can. I am a shell. A void of nothingness. There is nothing left of me. He was my everything.

How do we go on

I never, ever thought I would write a blog.  I am afraid to post on facebook, that no one will care or see it.  This is for my own mental health and if it helps anyone at all, it is worth it.

Today I lost my child.  I keep hoping, praying, begging that I will wake up from this dream.  It is simply not possible.  This morning that beautiful 6 foot four and a half inch boy walked out my door vibrant and alive.  With a brilliant mind and compassionate heart, ready to face the world.  To change the world.  He wanted to be a doctor.  He wanted to help.  He wanted to heal.  He did not deserve this.  Please God, Please I beg you let this not be true.  It is simply too much to bear.  No one should ever, ever, ever, ever have to go through this.  There are not words in the English language to describe the pain.  The anguish.  There is a giant, gaping black hole where my heart used to be.  Where Lucas used to be.  He was my everything.  As my sister said, my guardian angel.  I truly believe he was too good to be on this earth.  He was an angel.  My biggest fear is that his life, his loss of life will be for nothing.  I desperately want it to mean something.  All I can hope is that his legacy will live on and on.  That somehow somewhere there is a reason.