Hurting

I got through today by denial.  I went to bed last night and thought of what today was, and who wouldn’t be there when I woke up.  I sobbed harder last night than I can ever remember.  I couldn’t stop.  It was just coming out like a volcano, hot molten tears than ran and ran and ran.

Then I woke up and it was like I hadn’t slept.  I was so tired I felt like I had run an emotional marathon.  I finally got up at noon in an attempt to go to lunch with my family.  My sweet babies gave me their presents and I gushed over them. I hugged and kissed them and loved on them, in my mind it was just a robot.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t cry in front of them. It started in the shower again.  I tried to get ready and couldn’t stop the tears.  I felt physically ill.

I spent my day watching Downton abbey and putting labels on candles.  The Live Like Lucas candles are gorgeous.  So much work but I find it relaxing and somewhat addicting.  Okay very addicting.  I found a few more wine bottles all polished and wicked and ready to go at 12 am and I couldn’t help myself.  I had to heat up more wax.  It’s my way of coping.  They are unique and beautiful each in their own way and they have a message.  His message.  That is what gets me through the day.  His message. God’s message.

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Eph 5:1,2

Days like today I hardly even think I have a handle on what’s happened and yet it rocks me to the core.  I’m not even sure I comprehend it and yet I cry for hours on end.  I wonder how many years it will take to really sink in.

I just know that I get it now.

I. Get. It. Now.

There is not a second to waste, not a minute to spare, to do what we are supposed to do here.  We are here to be God’s people, his chosen ones.  To live in his image.  To be in the world but not of the world. To heal the broken.  Even if we are the broken.

You see, there must be a reason I am the broken.  There must be a reason.  If I am to go through this life hurting it will not be for nothing.  Why? Because I am his.  He counts the tears that drop from my eyes and knows how many hairs on my head.  It will not be for nothing.

This is all I need to know.  He is in control. He’s got this.

Amen.

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God.”