All the Hard Things

I wrote this ten days ago and never finished…

I dreamt about him last night…

for the first time that i can recall.  I wish I could say that something amazing happened in the dream or that there was some kind of message.

It was just that he was there.  He didn’t say anything, he didn’t do anything, he was just there.  In my dream I looked at him and knew that he was, you know, NOT supposed to be, but yet he was and it was like a reverse dream.  Like in my dream I thought I had woken up from a dream and he was really still with us.

Waking up from something like that is devastating.  Like losing him all over again. As I woke up the tears started flowing and the nausea started.  So much nausea in the last 9 months.  I feel it more often than not.

So many things lately…I cry out to God “HOW MUCH CAN I TAKE!!!!!! HOW MUCH! HOW MUCH!”

I was talking to a friend last night who works at a hospital and I was telling her how I didn’t think I could ever step foot in Spectrum again.  Ever. I think about the day of the accident almost every day.  I have constant flashbacks of things no parent should ever see.  Over and over I see myself walking out of the ER into the waiting room.  When I had gone in, my son was hanging on to life.  When I walked out, he was gone.  I lost a part of me in that two hours or so…a piece was ripped right out and I was left broken and bleeding.

I feel like it starts to heal…then gets ripped right open again.

The horrible unspeakable images that will not leave my mind. Of that day. What I would not do to erase them.

Having to pick out a marker for my son.  Going to Lowell Granite and walking amongst rows and rows of slabs of stone meant for people who are dead.  This cannot, cannot cannot possibly be for MY baby.  Then having to open email after email of designs to approve.  Every time I open the email…rip. Gush. Bleed.

I think about…………………

The Holidays.  Oh Jesus help me.  The slightest thought sends me into a complete and utter panic.

If you would have asked me a year ago what would happen if I lost one of my children…I am sure, absolutely sure that I would have said I would be in Pine Rest.  My mental status then was not exactly healthy.  My depression was getting the better of me.  It was survival mode.

I would never have thought that I could lose Lucas and not be catatonic in a mental ward.

Why am I not?

I think- I know- because the day that Lucas died a pastor came to our house and told us, this is going to to one of two ways.  You can become bitter and angry and hardened, or you can just let everything go and let Jesus hold you.  Up to that point in my life and I had not known how to do that.  I guess I wasn’t willing to let go.  It’s very very difficult because we want more than anything to be in control.

I knew that I wasn’t in control.  I realized right then and there that I had control over NOTHING.  I was a stripped down, broken, shell of a person but there was a God that loved me enough to sacrifice his OWN son.  A God who loved me enough to make me whole again.  In whose eyes I was a beautiful impeccable creation.

Again we are reminded that we are not in control.  Coldhearted, inhuman, vicious attacks on the people in Paris.  Innocents.  The tears, the rivers and rivers of tears that are flowing down the streets in France.

Darkness continues to pervade our world.

Every day I remind myself: this lifetime is just a blink.  This is not our home.  This is not the final destination. We are in a battle with Satan and he may win over some people but he will not WIN.

I try desperately for him not to win in my heart by filling it with hopelessness.  Hopelessness that the pain will never stop, that I will have to suffer forever in this valley of the shadow of death.  That I will never stop crying myself to sleep.  That I will never again be able to look at a picture of my son’s face with out tremendous, tremendous agony.

This is my mantra, the song that keeps my soul alive:

Your Not Alone

Some days I barely hold on
When life drags me down
I wanna let go
But when my spirit is weak
You come to my aid
And strengthen my soul

I’m lost without You
I’ll never doubt You
Your grace is beyond compare
And though when it rains, it pours
You know all I have is Yours
You smile when you hear my prayer

You rescued me and I believe
That God is love and He is all I need
From this day forth for all eternity
I’ll never wander on my own
For I am Yours until you call me home
I close my eyes and I can hear You say
You’re not alone.
You’re not alone.

-Owl City

valleyof hope

6 Responses to All the Hard Things

  1. Barb Long says:

    I read every one of your posts, but usually do not comment because no adequate words come to me. But I want you to know that your posts are agonizingly beautiful, and even though I do not know your family, my heart is touched by your complete honesty and your incredible faith. Thank you!

  2. Leena says:

    Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my little sisters death I also dread the holidays this year again. We lost my stepdad in January and within a year and a half we lost my little sister. I also hate the 16th of the month because it reminds me of the horrific day.. Know that you are not alone. Prayer is very powerful. I hope that one day day I will be able to celebrate my little sisters life but it’s still so raw, senseless and tragic to me. My prayer is that one day you will be at that point as well. To celebrate Lucas life and smile and share stories and laugh again..

  3. Sue Klein says:

    Dear Melissa,
    Even through the sadness, your writing contains such hope!
    Keep holding close to that faith!
    Love and blessings…

    • Arija Wilcox says:

      Dear Melissa,

      You, your family, and Lucas are truly loved by so many. I know that doesn’t help and may seem just dumb and insensitive to say. Please know how much we all care and pray for you each day! Your strength each day, however unbearable, is truly an example of your selfless and nature to help others and you heal each day by doing that. You get up every day and move forward. You have done so many amazing things in the name of Lucas. You suffer unbelievable and unimaginable pain each day. But, you get up each day with purpose. You help others to get up each unbearable day and move forward to hope to move forward. You are truly amazing and we are all blessed to know you. Sending continued prayers for you, your family, and Lucas.

  4. Pam Topolinski says:

    Melissa, I am with you. It has been nearly seven weeks since my son Joe died. Every day is a challenge to get through. Not a minute goes by that I don’t see his beautiful face. I did not have to wait in an ER; Joe died within minutes of his crash, so the report tells me. But I wasn’t there. He died alone in the dark trapped in his car. That rips me apart. Nobody found him for hours. My baby was alone and dead for hours. I so want to see him in a dream, but I don’t. Maybe I would feel like you, that I had him for a minute then had to lose him all over again. I cannot even think about the upcoming holidays without him. I want to skip them this year. This pain is still so fresh. I am still angry with God even though I know he is holding me up each day and helping me to help others. I am a nurse. I will pray for all of us who lost our children too soon. God is lucky to have them.

    • melissaconner2015 says:

      Pam I am so so sorry. I grieve with you intensely because I KNOW. I will pray for strength for you everyday. None of the emotions you have are wrong. I just pray you will eventually feel that comfort like I have. I will think and pray for you every day. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

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