All the Hard Things

I wrote this ten days ago and never finished…

I dreamt about him last night…

for the first time that i can recall.  I wish I could say that something amazing happened in the dream or that there was some kind of message.

It was just that he was there.  He didn’t say anything, he didn’t do anything, he was just there.  In my dream I looked at him and knew that he was, you know, NOT supposed to be, but yet he was and it was like a reverse dream.  Like in my dream I thought I had woken up from a dream and he was really still with us.

Waking up from something like that is devastating.  Like losing him all over again. As I woke up the tears started flowing and the nausea started.  So much nausea in the last 9 months.  I feel it more often than not.

So many things lately…I cry out to God “HOW MUCH CAN I TAKE!!!!!! HOW MUCH! HOW MUCH!”

I was talking to a friend last night who works at a hospital and I was telling her how I didn’t think I could ever step foot in Spectrum again.  Ever. I think about the day of the accident almost every day.  I have constant flashbacks of things no parent should ever see.  Over and over I see myself walking out of the ER into the waiting room.  When I had gone in, my son was hanging on to life.  When I walked out, he was gone.  I lost a part of me in that two hours or so…a piece was ripped right out and I was left broken and bleeding.

I feel like it starts to heal…then gets ripped right open again.

The horrible unspeakable images that will not leave my mind. Of that day. What I would not do to erase them.

Having to pick out a marker for my son.  Going to Lowell Granite and walking amongst rows and rows of slabs of stone meant for people who are dead.  This cannot, cannot cannot possibly be for MY baby.  Then having to open email after email of designs to approve.  Every time I open the email…rip. Gush. Bleed.

I think about…………………

The Holidays.  Oh Jesus help me.  The slightest thought sends me into a complete and utter panic.

If you would have asked me a year ago what would happen if I lost one of my children…I am sure, absolutely sure that I would have said I would be in Pine Rest.  My mental status then was not exactly healthy.  My depression was getting the better of me.  It was survival mode.

I would never have thought that I could lose Lucas and not be catatonic in a mental ward.

Why am I not?

I think- I know- because the day that Lucas died a pastor came to our house and told us, this is going to to one of two ways.  You can become bitter and angry and hardened, or you can just let everything go and let Jesus hold you.  Up to that point in my life and I had not known how to do that.  I guess I wasn’t willing to let go.  It’s very very difficult because we want more than anything to be in control.

I knew that I wasn’t in control.  I realized right then and there that I had control over NOTHING.  I was a stripped down, broken, shell of a person but there was a God that loved me enough to sacrifice his OWN son.  A God who loved me enough to make me whole again.  In whose eyes I was a beautiful impeccable creation.

Again we are reminded that we are not in control.  Coldhearted, inhuman, vicious attacks on the people in Paris.  Innocents.  The tears, the rivers and rivers of tears that are flowing down the streets in France.

Darkness continues to pervade our world.

Every day I remind myself: this lifetime is just a blink.  This is not our home.  This is not the final destination. We are in a battle with Satan and he may win over some people but he will not WIN.

I try desperately for him not to win in my heart by filling it with hopelessness.  Hopelessness that the pain will never stop, that I will have to suffer forever in this valley of the shadow of death.  That I will never stop crying myself to sleep.  That I will never again be able to look at a picture of my son’s face with out tremendous, tremendous agony.

This is my mantra, the song that keeps my soul alive:

Your Not Alone

Some days I barely hold on
When life drags me down
I wanna let go
But when my spirit is weak
You come to my aid
And strengthen my soul

I’m lost without You
I’ll never doubt You
Your grace is beyond compare
And though when it rains, it pours
You know all I have is Yours
You smile when you hear my prayer

You rescued me and I believe
That God is love and He is all I need
From this day forth for all eternity
I’ll never wander on my own
For I am Yours until you call me home
I close my eyes and I can hear You say
You’re not alone.
You’re not alone.

-Owl City