amazing grace

It’s January. Errrr February. I think. Winter sucks.

I feel very guilty saying that, because of course every day is a new day that the Lord has made and we are supposed to rejoice in it.   Right?

Okay so today I saw a beautiful sunny sky with fluffy white clouds and it looked just like a gateway to heaven.  So every day isn’t dreary and cold and sleeting or raining or muddy and gross…?

I’m just having a hard time and anyone else who suffers from seasonal depression let me hear an AMEN.  Bring on the spring, pretty please.  With some sunshine and rainbows on top.

Yep I’m struggling with guilt, because no one deserves a mommy and a wife who is a grumpy troll and really, really wants to just climb in bed all day.

I had to take a long drive today, 2 hours round trip and it was brutal.  I find whenever I am driving in the car alone for any length of time it is just so utterly painful.  It is then that I realize I am not alone with my thoughts very often- they are often occupied by grocery lists and chore lists and dates and to dos and many many children talking to me…and when it is quiet I immediately turn to the TV.  MUST OCCUPY MIND WITH DOWNTON ABBEY or X-FILES or MY 600 LB LIFE. Now there’s a diversity of shows.

A long drive means lots of time to think about him.  How terribly terribly horribly  much I miss him, and how every day of grief feels like it’s starting all over again- just tearing open the wound and letting the blood gush out.

I cry out to God in such anguish and desperation and I wonder how he feels so see me, his child, in SO MUCH PAIN.  How he could take a boy from his mama and watch her languish on earth with a giant hole in her heart.  There’s not a day that goes by I don’t wish I could go to heaven.  Not a day that goes by I don’t wish I could push a fast forward button to the end of my life when I finally get to say goodbye to this earth.  To finally end all this earthly pain and sorrow and suffering.  My life here means nothing to me.

“I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”

So I am left to ponder how I may complete my task.  I can only pray that all this suffering is somehow part of my task, somehow part of a bigger picture that will ultimately be to his glory. It all just seems too much to comprehend.  I’m just a really really broken person who is really mean to her kids right now writing a little blog to help with her pain.  I don’t feel I am doing anything to glorify him- just surviving.  One minute.  One hour.  One day at a time.  One load of laundry.  One recitation of Toot! Toot! Beep! Beep! at a time.  One practice (oops we missed that today) one conference, one meeting, one dinner attempt…

That is my life right now.  Baby steps.  One thing I do know is that God meets us wherever we are.  No matter how much we have sinned,  now matter how broken we are, no matter how many times a day we just wish to be in heaven.  No matter how reluctant we are to struggle through this life on earth sometimes.  He is right where we are- the Master of Universe, King of all Creation, is right down on the floor with us while we are crying.

It’s called amazing grace. Bathe yourself in it- accept it-enjoy it- it is His gift to you.

grace


7 Responses to amazing grace

  1. Brian says:

    Still praying for you, Melissa.

  2. Val says:

    Thank you Melissa. You are a gift to many of us. Believe that and know that you are living your faith and whatever task you were meant to do.

    • Aliki says:

      God Bless You Melissa. You are more extraordinary than you know. Like you, when all is said and done, I want to know why? Why everything?

  3. Kelly says:

    My heart aches for you, but I am praying that each day gets a little better. Keep blogging, it will help

  4. Joan says:

    I continue to pray for you & think of you daily!! I am thankful to God in giving you the strength in taking baby steps. I feel its the key to grief or anxiety or even illness. Through much prayer;my daughter is taking baby steps out of her anxiety issues & with these steps like reading His word both morning & night & listening to praise music so she doesn’t live in void where weird thoughts can take over the mind. She is now helping others with anxiety issues. I know with grief it takes time & the love of Jesus to fill your self & by taking baby steps like leaving the house or not using your home or bed to console you. My daughter in law just lost her baby ; her son;our grandson a few weeks ago. No;we didn’t get the opportunity to see what he would be like in this world & yes we all cried as if he had been here for a long time. Now;she is taking her small steps afraid of the future whether she can have a baby as this was her third try with IVF. I have just been loving her & my son throwing out prayers sending scripture so they can go on in life knowing God has plans for them but they need to be ready to ask—-Jeremiah 29:11. God be with you & fight —take those steps each day when inside this gloomy weather – listen to contemporary Christian music & when the sun shines again this week–step outside—God bless You—any scripture you share I share to others-thank you

  5. Mary says:

    I happened upon your blog today for the very first time. What an amazing young man Lucas is! God certainly blessed you by giving Lucas to you to love and care for during his time on earth. Lucas is now in heaven with his father, home where he belongs, where he can perhaps do the most for people, what a blessing for him. I cannot say that I understand your grief because it is your grief and belongs solely to you but I can say I understand your pain. My beautiful 18 year old Daughter went home to her Lord and Savior 7 ½ years ago and like you not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I wonder who she’d be today, what would she be doing? Would she be finished with college, married, planning a family of her own? I’ll never know these things because my Daughter sings and dances in Heaven, how glorious that must be and how wonderful for her. I am looking forward to the day when I will see her again but until then I love and cherish my life here on earth because God also blessed me with an amazing Son and Husband and Family.

    From what I’ve read on this blog, in order to live like Lucas you need to embrace life, love always, and be all that you can be to do God’s work while you are still present on earth and able. It seems that is what Lucas would have done and would want for his loved ones left behind. Lucas lives on in your memories and in the hearts and faces of your Children, Husband and Family. I want to go to Heaven someday too but in the meantime I splendor in the wonder of my Son and Family who are still with me, battling grief, and learning to love life again. It takes time but life is wonderful and God is Great. Lean on those who love you and embrace Faith.

    It saddens me to read that your life is broken and has no meaning. You have Children and a Husband who need your love and as difficult as that may be to give right now, Lucas would want you to give them everything you ever gave him. I stumble through my grief and probably will for the rest of my life but we cannot allow the grief to consume us, we must allow love to consume us, love for all our Children, those here and those is Heaven.

    I posted my email with this message, if you ever feel like you would like to talk about Lucas, please feel free to contact me. Prayers for healing, peace, love and grace.

    • melissaconner2015 says:

      Thank you so much for your comments Mary. I hope my latest blog brings to light more accurately my feelings about my life on earth. What I meant was that I would give up my life here at any moment to be with Jesus. Some days it is just massively difficult to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and live the life that God wants me to. To glorify him. I will however keep trying. I sincerely hope that 6 years from now I will not feel the pain like a ten ton burden on my shoulders every day and it will be easier to enjoy life, to enjoy my family, to truly live with great joy. I am just not there yet. I do know though, without a shadow of a doubt that God is using me to further his kingdom. My pain does have meaning.

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