amazing grace

It’s January. Errrr February. I think. Winter sucks.

I feel very guilty saying that, because of course every day is a new day that the Lord has made and we are supposed to rejoice in it.   Right?

Okay so today I saw a beautiful sunny sky with fluffy white clouds and it looked just like a gateway to heaven.  So every day isn’t dreary and cold and sleeting or raining or muddy and gross…?

I’m just having a hard time and anyone else who suffers from seasonal depression let me hear an AMEN.  Bring on the spring, pretty please.  With some sunshine and rainbows on top.

Yep I’m struggling with guilt, because no one deserves a mommy and a wife who is a grumpy troll and really, really wants to just climb in bed all day.

I had to take a long drive today, 2 hours round trip and it was brutal.  I find whenever I am driving in the car alone for any length of time it is just so utterly painful.  It is then that I realize I am not alone with my thoughts very often- they are often occupied by grocery lists and chore lists and dates and to dos and many many children talking to me…and when it is quiet I immediately turn to the TV.  MUST OCCUPY MIND WITH DOWNTON ABBEY or X-FILES or MY 600 LB LIFE. Now there’s a diversity of shows.

A long drive means lots of time to think about him.  How terribly terribly horribly  much I miss him, and how every day of grief feels like it’s starting all over again- just tearing open the wound and letting the blood gush out.

I cry out to God in such anguish and desperation and I wonder how he feels so see me, his child, in SO MUCH PAIN.  How he could take a boy from his mama and watch her languish on earth with a giant hole in her heart.  There’s not a day that goes by I don’t wish I could go to heaven.  Not a day that goes by I don’t wish I could push a fast forward button to the end of my life when I finally get to say goodbye to this earth.  To finally end all this earthly pain and sorrow and suffering.  My life here means nothing to me.

“I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”

So I am left to ponder how I may complete my task.  I can only pray that all this suffering is somehow part of my task, somehow part of a bigger picture that will ultimately be to his glory. It all just seems too much to comprehend.  I’m just a really really broken person who is really mean to her kids right now writing a little blog to help with her pain.  I don’t feel I am doing anything to glorify him- just surviving.  One minute.  One hour.  One day at a time.  One load of laundry.  One recitation of Toot! Toot! Beep! Beep! at a time.  One practice (oops we missed that today) one conference, one meeting, one dinner attempt…

That is my life right now.  Baby steps.  One thing I do know is that God meets us wherever we are.  No matter how much we have sinned,  now matter how broken we are, no matter how many times a day we just wish to be in heaven.  No matter how reluctant we are to struggle through this life on earth sometimes.  He is right where we are- the Master of Universe, King of all Creation, is right down on the floor with us while we are crying.

It’s called amazing grace. Bathe yourself in it- accept it-enjoy it- it is His gift to you.