What a wonderful day. To see so many people sharing in something beautiful; to feel that connection with others for a higher purpose; to have a whole day to celebrate being “unselfish.” To be the kind of people God really wants us to be. I am so truly honored that so many chose to come along side with me today. Not even just to do acts of kindness but to feel their support and love as we remember Lucas.
Some days I feel like one mother mourning one child. I know people are praying for me, for Rich, for the kids, but grief is so isolating. Today I felt so blessed that so many others were thinking about him, celebrating the person he was, feeling his loss like I do. Even those who never got a chance to meet him but have been able to get a sense of who he was and his heart.
To a grieving mother one of the greatest worries is that her child will be forgotten. That he will simply disappear from this earth and it was like he was never here. Today Lucas lived on and that gives me great joy. It gives me even greater joy that God could be glorified through his life and the inspiration he gave others.
Still it is painful. I almost always am caught off guard by the moments where I feel something really good happening through “livelikelucas” and then I find myself wracked with pain. I forget that it is going to remind of how he was so compassionate, how he comforted me, how he was there for me, how that was his ultimate act of kindness.
As time goes by the grief changes in ways I don’t know how to describe. It is more of a continuous aching sadness. Its almost like its clearer and more precise. It seems I remember him better and thus it hurts more.
And then there’s the forgetting. Today I was outside playing with Brady and he was trying to make baskets in his little tykes hoop and I thought, “I can’t wait until Lucas comes home and can play outside with him.”
I remember he’s gone and I can’t. Breathe.
Its been two months, two long months to some people but like a second to me. The grief so fresh it could have been yesterday. I don’t know how long it will be like this.
Right now I carry in my whole body at all times “I have lost a son.” It never leaves my mind, my heart, my soul. An unending pang. Loss like a bitter liquid dripping through my veins.
God is still taking care of me. I have people. I have comfort. I can lay in my bed if I want to and sob endlessly. God loves me. He never said it was going to be easy- any of this. Life. Not easy. I never understood before, never had a clue- what hard was. Not a single stinking clue. Now I would live in a mud hut in africa and eat wormy rice just to have my Lucas back. I would give every one of my limbs. Anything.
Life is not the same and will never be the same and I know for the rest of my life I am “mother who lost a son.”
I also know life is not always about happiness and comfort and sunshine every day. It all boils down to one thing- I was created by God and given this life so I can serve him. Lucas was his gift to me. He was on loan to me. I will praise him in this storm. I will strive to be a wounded healer. I was created to be God’s instrument..
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.”