I am exhausted. To the bone, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I wonder how many days it has been since he walked through my door…30? 31? Time doesn’t seem to be measured in days any more, but moments without him. Seconds that tick by that he is no longer here.
I wonder how it is possible that is hurts more every day. Today for the first time I was really angry. Not at God, strangely, but at Lucas. How he didn’t see that car. Then I remembered something that I have not said to anyone, something that we had just found out about. Lucas did not have stereo vision. His eyes did not always work in sync meaning he had trouble with depth perception. He had been diagnosed with it only recently and there was nothing that could be done about it. We didn’t even know how long he’d had it.
It gave me a tiny bit of comfort, if you can call it that at all, that he had not realized how close the car was. We will never know.
It doesn’t matter though- his hair products are still sitting by the bathroom sink, his coat hanging in the mudroom. Just waiting. Forever waiting.
How can it hurt so much? How can so much agony be even possible to feel?
The world is not right without him in it. Nothing is right anymore. Nothing. I don’t know how the earth keeps spinning, how the sun rises and sets, how people can go about their day just like they always did. They scurry around like ants on the vast landscape of Earth, and yes I know life must go on and people have to be fed and cared for and money made and empires built.
Yet my Lucas…everything stopped for him.
He’s in heaven! I shout to myself, He is in glory! He feels no pain or sorrow or sadness!
Why don’t I feel better.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.
Ultimately though I know that God has not forsaken me. I just don’t understand his answer. I don’t understand anything about this. Death is a mystery, this unbearable pain is a mystery- nothing about this is fathomable. I only know three things:
1. Lucas is with Jesus his savior
2. His savior is also my savior and I have to trust him.
3. I want Jesus to come back SOON. Come Lord Jesus, Come.