Easter is coming

It’s the week leading up to Easter.  Holy week.  It has felt everything but holy in our house…

Germs.  Sickness.  Blech Blech Blech.  This time I was the one taken down hardest- I can’t remember being so sick.  Being sick as a Mom is TERRIBLE.  You’re still Mom as in “Mom wipe me!” and “Mom did you get my lacrosse stick?” and “Mom Bryleigh bit me!” but all I could do is lay in bed and shiver.  And sweat. And cough. And  see all the household chores piling up around me.  No one has anything to wear or can find…anything.  Basically it feels the household is crumbling down me and you I feel like…

What is it that people say when they are really sick? One of those phrases I avoid with a ten foot pole- Death.

There are so many terrible phrases when you have recently lost a loved one that have the effect of acid on a wound.  For me being sick meant more than just physically illness but lying there with nothing to think about but another holiday around the corner- without him.  My head hurt to much to read or watch TV, so when I was awake he was on my mind constantly.  His life was playing over and over before my eyes and it was so absolutely awful.  Beautiful and awful.

The fact that his life was so beautiful makes it being cut short so much more awful.

I don’t really know what I would do without this blog to pour my heart into…when it hurts so bad.  So so bad.  When I don’t think I can BEAR it any more and it’s just too much it eases my pain just an iota, just enough to get by, knowing that others are listening.

I just need someone to TELL.  Thank you for letting me TELL you.

It seems that the holidays and the birthdays and all those certain”hurting” days are endless like a barrage of waves crashing over me; the water fills my lungs and leaves me struggling and gasping and wondering if I will make it…they just keep coming and coming and coming.  I feel like I am more down than up…

Then comes the parade of self- doubt.  Of feeling like a failure.  Feeling like I’ve let everyone down.  I am not strong, I am as weakly human as they come.  Frail, helpless, throwing my own little pity party.  Yep- I’m pretty sure the last three and half months have been just a big mess of negative emotions and I would like nothing more than to find my way out of it.

Unfortunately my grief will be with me forever.  There’s no running away, no stuffing it down inside and hiding it.  I must finding a way to cope every single day. Yet the Bible gives hope that suffering is a gift.

 “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.”

I Peter 1:6-8

The rest of it- all the yucky stuff that makes me feel un-worthy and a screw up and overall just a piece of trash?

That gets nailed to the cross.  All of it.  Every single bit.  I have the comfort of knowing I’m left to drown in all this yuck but he died to set me free.

Free to revel in being a child of God.  To allow his arms to cradle me on those days when I’m falling apart at the seams. Free to look forward to paradise with him FOREVER.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
Isaiah 1:18

Easter is coming.

No matter how un-holy and unworthy we feel…all we have to do is ask.  He comes straight to us, right down to our dirty grungy selves, and washes us clean.

Hallelujah.

nothingbuttheblood


9 Responses to Easter is coming

  1. Aleta Littell says:

    Thank you Melissa. May God bless you and family with peace this Easter. Praying you feel better soon.

  2. Audrey says:

    Blessed Easter to you! Never met you but think of you often ! Hope you feel better soon. God bless you and yours!

  3. Leslie says:

    Keep your faith Melissa and know that you are a GOOD Mom!! A worthy Mom, an imperfect Mom, and a loving Mom. Doubting ourselves as Moms is not worth it! We all feel inadequate but we are so loved!! In spite of our imperfections. God loves you and so do your kiddos – so very much.

  4. Brian says:

    Melissa,

    Want you to know that I’m still reading and listening. Your blog has brought me to or to the verge of tears many times. It has also consistently reinforced how much I need to treasure every day that God gives me with these two little girls. Take nothing for granted. Always know that every. single. moment. even the not so great ones is a gift.

    I’m glad to hear that writing is therapeutic for you. Keep doing it. I’m sure I am among many who are still reading and listening. And our family is still praying daily for you and yours.

    I often think when I read your words that you are going to end up helping a lot of people. You have a real gift in your ability to translate your thoughts to written word. I think you are going to write a book, do a lecture tour… something based on your experiences in learning to live with this grief and relying on our amazing heavenly father to carry you. There are surely many people who could benefit from your messages. Maybe one day you will even use this blog to go back and refer to when you fully organize your thoughts going through everything.

    Just felt compelled to reply today.

    Blessings and peace.

    Brian

  5. Joan says:

    Emotion expressed in raw form -real–believe me I still think of what I’ve done in my past–wondering why I did it & asking God for forgiveness—also wonder what I should have done more to help my children now grown(your age) would they have done this or that if I was there or intervened more. However; each of us can look back or even dwell on the past but perhaps make us waste our time & we all know that would please the devil so much if we felt unworthy of God’s grace & love, As you wrote scripture tells or God does that all the crap we hate about ourselves is nailed to the cross===the old is now removed thrown away from the day we know we are saved there is a new us—how wonderful–what unconditional love!!! Yes we can all forget once in awhile & doubt especially when we are sick which makes us weak. I pray for you daily. Happy that you created this blog for you have many that listen without judging –we listen –& as I said experienced those same thoughts–my minister just preached about the race ( as you have mentioned in previous blogs) we must fight each day to do our best using our faith which is more vital to have than anything. He explained how hard it is for Christians especially when there are trials or hardships to be that positive person showing Jesus who is in us for others to see but our faith & knowing His Word will help!! You share that so well with the scripture you share!! Continue to share–get into His Word when your down however just listen to inspirational music when your that sick—I’m into my third week with that bad cold still a cough & getting tired since I’m still having to work ( owning a family business so have to work) will pray for healing –open those windows lol Saturday -should be sunny — get those germs out—God bless you & your family–Happy Easter!!!

  6. Judy says:

    Your emotions are heart-wrenching to read and we wish there was something we could do to ease your pain and sorrow. Melissa, the words you share from scripture are inspiring and encouraging. God is speaking to you through his word and your words bring comfort and encouragement to those of us who are hurting. Stay close to God, He loves you soooo very much. Blessed Easter to you❤️.

  7. Gail Evans says:

    Your blog is a blessing to me. Your unbridled honesty, laying out the most raw of raw emotions makes my faith stronger as I can see you cling to God. I sometimes wonder how those who do not know our King of Kings cope… how do they survive, what do they cling to? You are always in my prayers and I know it’s safe to say that you are prayed for by many. I am thankful that you have shared your journey with us so that we can pray for you. We were never meant to go through life alone and you have a faithful village who love you. He is Risen!

  8. Kathy Dykstra says:

    Thanks again for sharing, Melissa . Sending prayers and a hug your way .

  9. Arlene says:

    You are truly brutiful!! Thank you!!! Arlene

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