Falling short

I fall so short sometimes.  I wake up with the best intentions and a heart just wanting and needing to praise and worship and I fall so short.

I am only human and I know God knows that and it comforts me.  He made me and he knows me and he loves me.

We sang Great is thy Faithfulness in church this morning and I love sitting in the very front and the music just vibrates through your whole body.  Every word saturates my soul and I pour it out to my Creator.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

The tears start to flow because I believe in that mercy and that hand that hath provided and somehow gotten me through this unspeakable pain.  I believe…I believe that God is faithful.

Yet I am sitting in the front of the auditorium and suddenly I remember being there before.  Three months ago.  With my little boys…his… coffin… he was in there. He was not supposed to be there.  He was strong and vibrant and a beautiful spirit and he was not supposed to be in a box.  Not in this church.  Not in this church where I sing of God’s faithfulness.

I run out with mascara streaming down my cheeks and I sob. And sob. Until there is no more.

I think about how I miss him SO TERRIBLY its like I’m missing oxygen, I’m like a fish out of water…gasping for breath.

I’m so tired of turning my back on my children because of my tear stained eyes and my voice catching in my throat as I answer them.

I feel sick because there are no pictures up of him in my house.  I feel sick because I cannot look at his beautiful angelic face.  It hurts like a dull butcher knife carving out my heart.  When I am on facebook I don’t look at the pictures.  They are there but I don’t look.

I hate that his room is closed up and I have not gone in there in three months and I don’t know if I ever will again.

His baseball shoes are sitting in the garage.  I don’t dare touch them.  I don’t want to move them and I don’t want to look at them.  Oh how I loved to watch him play baseball.  To watch him pitch- like poetry in motion.  To watch him catch a ball at first base his arms and legs seeming endless…he was supposed to play baseball.  He was supposed to…

I feel sick because I am so so angry because he is gone and I don’t feel like that is faithfulness. I couldn’t sing it.  I couldn’t.

I’m stumbling right now.  Sometimes it just hurts so bad I don’t know how to fit my suffering into the category of “God cares for me.” I hope someday I understand.

Love- I understand

Salvation- I understand

Suffering and death. I don’t get it right now.

Romans 3:23-24

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

quebec

 


6 Responses to Falling short

  1. Deb says:

    Oh Melissa, I wish I could hug you and make it better. But I can’t, no one can. Its okay to be angry, confused. God knows why you are and it’s okay. He will be there when the anger subsides. Keep believing through the anger and pain, His faithfulness is greater than the anger and pain.

    • Melissa Zeeryp says:

      Oh Melissa, I do not know you…but I have many friends that do. And because of that, I have prayed for you daily. And I have prayed for the rest of your family…as I know they are hurting also. You have not fallen short…you are grieving…a death that NO mother should have to go through. It is NOT fair. You have every right to stomp your feet, yell and scream, and cry until your face is covered in mascara! When the time is right you will be able to visit Lucas’ room and other memorable places, right now they are sacred places that you are not ready taint with bitter feelings…..and that is okay. Everyone grieves differently, take the time that you need to do it YOUR way. Let others help you…let them do the “chores” so that the time you have with your little ones can be carefree. Continued prayers for you…from one mother to another…who heart aches for you.

  2. Lee Lindquist says:

    Melissa, My heart breaks when I read what you are going through. I hope you keep writing and I look forward to seeing pictures of the trip you plan to take in honor of your son. I imagine and pray that experience will provide some comfort. Thinking of you.

  3. Kristin DeLooff says:

    Dear Melissa,
    That hymn always makes me cry. Because it is beautiful, because it is true. Lucas is beautiful and true, and so are you, even in your grief. Thinking of you, and lifting you up today and every day.

  4. Jane Klingenberg says:

    Dear Melissa:

    I continue to pray for you. In the midst of your agony, I know that He is there.

    “He knows,
    He knows,
    every sorrow, every sting,
    He has walked the suffering.”

    With care to you,

  5. John Boger says:

    Melissa, you are a very strong person. I also was in the very front singing this song with emotion. Joan and I lost Brian last summer and I was there alone because she still will not join me. I now understand how a person can be lonely in a croud. You are their, you are still praising God for his blessings, and you are blessing us by worshiping with us. Your presence with us in our church, with your husband shows great courage and stength that others like I admire. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you your husband and kids.
    One of you admirers, John.

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