I fall so short sometimes. I wake up with the best intentions and a heart just wanting and needing to praise and worship and I fall so short.
I am only human and I know God knows that and it comforts me. He made me and he knows me and he loves me.
We sang Great is thy Faithfulness in church this morning and I love sitting in the very front and the music just vibrates through your whole body. Every word saturates my soul and I pour it out to my Creator.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
The tears start to flow because I believe in that mercy and that hand that hath provided and somehow gotten me through this unspeakable pain. I believe…I believe that God is faithful.
Yet I am sitting in the front of the auditorium and suddenly I remember being there before. Three months ago. With my little boys…his… coffin… he was in there. He was not supposed to be there. He was strong and vibrant and a beautiful spirit and he was not supposed to be in a box. Not in this church. Not in this church where I sing of God’s faithfulness.
I run out with mascara streaming down my cheeks and I sob. And sob. Until there is no more.
I think about how I miss him SO TERRIBLY its like I’m missing oxygen, I’m like a fish out of water…gasping for breath.
I’m so tired of turning my back on my children because of my tear stained eyes and my voice catching in my throat as I answer them.
I feel sick because there are no pictures up of him in my house. I feel sick because I cannot look at his beautiful angelic face. It hurts like a dull butcher knife carving out my heart. When I am on facebook I don’t look at the pictures. They are there but I don’t look.
I hate that his room is closed up and I have not gone in there in three months and I don’t know if I ever will again.
His baseball shoes are sitting in the garage. I don’t dare touch them. I don’t want to move them and I don’t want to look at them. Oh how I loved to watch him play baseball. To watch him pitch- like poetry in motion. To watch him catch a ball at first base his arms and legs seeming endless…he was supposed to play baseball. He was supposed to…
I feel sick because I am so so angry because he is gone and I don’t feel like that is faithfulness. I couldn’t sing it. I couldn’t.
I’m stumbling right now. Sometimes it just hurts so bad I don’t know how to fit my suffering into the category of “God cares for me.” I hope someday I understand.
Love- I understand
Salvation- I understand
Suffering and death. I don’t get it right now.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”