Falling short

I fall so short sometimes.  I wake up with the best intentions and a heart just wanting and needing to praise and worship and I fall so short.

I am only human and I know God knows that and it comforts me.  He made me and he knows me and he loves me.

We sang Great is thy Faithfulness in church this morning and I love sitting in the very front and the music just vibrates through your whole body.  Every word saturates my soul and I pour it out to my Creator.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

The tears start to flow because I believe in that mercy and that hand that hath provided and somehow gotten me through this unspeakable pain.  I believe…I believe that God is faithful.

Yet I am sitting in the front of the auditorium and suddenly I remember being there before.  Three months ago.  With my little boys…his… coffin… he was in there. He was not supposed to be there.  He was strong and vibrant and a beautiful spirit and he was not supposed to be in a box.  Not in this church.  Not in this church where I sing of God’s faithfulness.

I run out with mascara streaming down my cheeks and I sob. And sob. Until there is no more.

I think about how I miss him SO TERRIBLY its like I’m missing oxygen, I’m like a fish out of water…gasping for breath.

I’m so tired of turning my back on my children because of my tear stained eyes and my voice catching in my throat as I answer them.

I feel sick because there are no pictures up of him in my house.  I feel sick because I cannot look at his beautiful angelic face.  It hurts like a dull butcher knife carving out my heart.  When I am on facebook I don’t look at the pictures.  They are there but I don’t look.

I hate that his room is closed up and I have not gone in there in three months and I don’t know if I ever will again.

His baseball shoes are sitting in the garage.  I don’t dare touch them.  I don’t want to move them and I don’t want to look at them.  Oh how I loved to watch him play baseball.  To watch him pitch- like poetry in motion.  To watch him catch a ball at first base his arms and legs seeming endless…he was supposed to play baseball.  He was supposed to…

I feel sick because I am so so angry because he is gone and I don’t feel like that is faithfulness. I couldn’t sing it.  I couldn’t.

I’m stumbling right now.  Sometimes it just hurts so bad I don’t know how to fit my suffering into the category of “God cares for me.” I hope someday I understand.

Love- I understand

Salvation- I understand

Suffering and death. I don’t get it right now.

Romans 3:23-24

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

quebec

 


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