Today I don’t feel like blogging. I knew this day would come eventually, where I just don’t know what to say.
So here are the words I wrote for the pastor to say at the Celebration of Life.
“I wasn’t sure if I could write something for this service. Yet every moment since Friday morning I have felt Lucas’ presence urging me on. There is absolutely no way I could have made it to today without his gentle voice in my ear.
I am sitting in his room for the first since Friday. It is heart wrenching and comforting at the same time. His tigers pennant on the wall, his goodwillie snowshoes propped in the corner, his bow and arrow next to his desk. I smell him. I feel him. This boy will be with me for forever.
I always thought to myself, this boy is too good. Too perfect. The way he hugged and cared for me before I could even ask him how he was. The way he treated his siblings, always willing to pick up the slack when I was too tired. I never, ever, remember him complaining when I asked him to watch his baby brother while I made dinner, or read to his little sister Bryleigh. He would always clean the kitchen after dinner. He would see the look of exhaustion on my face and say, “you need a hug.” He said the ALL the time. He was my special guardian angel from God. I sometimes felt like he understood me like no one else in the world.
I don’t think I’ve really even begun to grieve him yet. The loss of this boy is so profound and deep and wide. I’m not even sure that I’ve begun to go there. I know there will not be a day that goes by I don’t feel that ache, that hole in my heart. The pain so intense I fear it will swallow me whole.
I think it would if I did not have hope. First of all that he is with his Lord and Savior who created him. Formed him. Otherwise Lucas would never have walked this planet. God knew who Lucas was and everything about him from the dawn of creation. Lucas was God’s gift to me, our family, and the world.
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
I would also be in complete despair if I didn’t feel God was going to use this tragedy and bring good from it. We only see a tiny piece of the puzzle . A glimmer. Some day it will all be revealed. I don’t think God wanted to Lucas to die. He grieves with us. If is the sinful and broken world that results in death and suffering and pain. God has plan. God will use the incredible 15 years Lucas had to change people. To have an impact. To heal the broken and hurting. To spread kindness and love.”
11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This song is so perfect