How do we go on

I never, ever thought I would write a blog.  I am afraid to post on facebook, that no one will care or see it.  This is for my own mental health and if it helps anyone at all, it is worth it.

Today I lost my child.  I keep hoping, praying, begging that I will wake up from this dream.  It is simply not possible.  This morning that beautiful 6 foot four and a half inch boy walked out my door vibrant and alive.  With a brilliant mind and compassionate heart, ready to face the world.  To change the world.  He wanted to be a doctor.  He wanted to help.  He wanted to heal.  He did not deserve this.  Please God, Please I beg you let this not be true.  It is simply too much to bear.  No one should ever, ever, ever, ever have to go through this.  There are not words in the English language to describe the pain.  The anguish.  There is a giant, gaping black hole where my heart used to be.  Where Lucas used to be.  He was my everything.  As my sister said, my guardian angel.  I truly believe he was too good to be on this earth.  He was an angel.  My biggest fear is that his life, his loss of life will be for nothing.  I desperately want it to mean something.  All I can hope is that his legacy will live on and on.  That somehow somewhere there is a reason.