Letting it out

It seems about once a week or so I have this outpour of emotions, this overwhelming desire to just let it all out and blog and then for some reason I am not able to. Right now I have about  15 minutes until the bus comes to drop Bryleigh off.
This keeps happening over and over and its enormously frustrating because blogging helps me cope so much. It takes such an enormous weight off my shoulders to share what I feel…almost like I’m sprinkling a little bit of it on everyone who reads it so they can share my burden. Just a little.
I haven’t done an entire blog post since June 9th. Its October. That’s a lot of pent up emotion!
My heart is breaking right now. crumbling into little pieces and falling to the floor. Sometimes I feel like grieving is like your heart is dying a slow death. It hurts so much to feel that it just can’t any more.
I hate that it has been so long.
I hate that is has been so long since he called me to pick him up from baseball training.
That is what got me so upset…I was cleaning my car on this beautiful fall day and it was about 3:45 and suddenly, out of the blue, I thought he would be calling me soon.

It broke me….it broke me that his phone has been still and silent for 21 months. What a funny thing it is- literally a butterfly beats its wings the wrong way and I start crying about him. The smallest most inconsequential thing and the tears will flow. And flow.
Right now I’m thinking about words and how inadequately they describe grief and losing a child in particular… how difficult it is to convey the very depth of your pain. To give people even an inkling of what it feels like. I used to think strange, strange things when people’s children died. I didn’t understand it at all. I am embarrassed to admit some of the things I thought. Like whether or not the parents thought, “wow I have just spent  _  years raising this child and now its for nothing.”  I imagined that after a few years they would still miss them and be sad sometimes, but not a lot.  Just on anniversaries and birthdays and holidays.  They would mostly just dwell on happy memories and the grief wouldn’t be so sharp and raw anymore.

I never,

ever

ever

could have imagined how many times a day I think of him.

How f*cking awful it is to lose a child.

Yep I said it.  Its awful when your dog dies, or your car breaks down or your house blows away.  Its awful when people get sick and old and people are cruel and hateful and kids get bullied.

It’s f*cking awful to lose a child.

Not just saying this to make you feel sorry for me.  Or feel guilty.  I just say what’s on my heart because it helps to let it GO.  To let it OUT.  To scream it to the world because sometimes its just too much for me to bear.

Sometimes I feel my pain is pushing me further away from God instead of closer to him.  Every time I start to feel angry because that its not my handsome kid going to homecoming or hanging out with his friends at the football game. That he is not calling me to be picked up (though he would be driving by now).  That this must be some sort of punishment.  How can it be that a loving God would have this in his plan when Lucas was my world, and not only that he was on track to change the world.  What was in his heart was so pure, so loving, so compassionate it defies understanding.

Then I stop, and remember that Jesus is all I have.  He is my everything.  The only one who truly loves me unconditionally and is there to comfort me in every minute of every hour. This world is a fleeting blip on the screen of eternity.  Heaven is the big picture. We are here to prepare for heaven.  That is all that this life is.  Simply a blink of an eye.

Still…though just a blink the days and hours seem to last eternity sometimes.  The pain is just too much and now I have shared it all with you, collectively, my readers. Who have been so incredibly supportive of me and my family. I read through some of the comments again before I started blogging and they are so healing and soothing and uplifting.

Thank you for reading.  You never really know the impact you can have on someone by simply stopping them and saying, “I think about you often. You are still in my prayers.”  Not only does that tell me that they care about me but they still remember my sweet boy. To anyone who has had a loss- acknowledgement means “I remember.  I am sure you are still in a lot of pain and you have to hide it every day.  But I remember and my heart is with you.”

So just say something. Even if you feel awkward or like you won’t make much of a difference- say it anyway.

thescream


19 Responses to Letting it out

  1. Gail Evans says:

    Melissa… I think it’s fair to say that your village is still here and we still love you and your family and we still pray for you and if you wanted to write a blog post every day, we would be fine with it. And yes, we don’t always know what to say or what not to say and we are afraid to say something that might be wrong. So… thank you for giving us permission to say that we are thinking about you and we are praying for you. I thought about you this morning on my way to Bible Study so your blog post is perfect. Love and hugs to you… I miss you and I may need to stop by soon and give you a hug and see if you are still creating wonderful candles 🙂

  2. Katherine says:

    I’ve been wondering how you’re doing since you haven’t been writing. I saw you at the flea market in hudsonville a while ago and wanted to say something but I didn’t know what to say and I definitely didn’t want to say something that would bring up emotions and make you feel bad. Now I know to say something.
    My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you I can only say I love my kids and I can’t imagine losing one of them and then having to continue on with life “as usual.” I listened to a Jimmy Evans message today about hurt and he said time doesn’t heal wounds, and I thought ya that’s right it doesn’t. Only feeling the emotions, letting it out and letting Jesus heal us in whatever time frame it takes helps.
    Continued prayers.

  3. Audrey says:

    My husband and I were coming home down Cascade road late this afternoon, and I thought of you and wondered how you were doing. Came in the house picked up my I pad and there you were on e mail. Must have been God !! Yes I think of you often. Never met you. But still — Audrey

  4. Suzanne says:

    And I think of you often as well even though we have never met. I think of you and I think of Lucas practically every time I travel up and down Cascade Road which is usually almost every day. I always take note of the flower decorations at the accident site. That January day is seared into my memory as well because I drove by the accident that morning. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your grief, yet you are still standing and breathing and doing all the mom things you need to do for your children. May God continue to bless you, strengthen you and keep you close.

  5. Kathy Dykstra says:

    Melissa, I can’t imagine losing a child. I’m fearful the agony will not leave you in this life. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit comforts you and walks with you as you desperately attempt to live out the rest of your days here on this earth .

  6. Vikki says:

    Melissa, I don’t know you, but my sister from Ada told me about your wonderful Lucas and your story (and bought some of your candles to share with me). My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine your pain and what you’re going through. I can only hope that one day your heart will begin to heal and you’ll see sunshine again. You have a beautiful angel watching over you. Please know you’re in my prayers.

  7. Stacy Grasman says:

    Reading this makes my heart swell and my eyes well up. All I can think about are my two children when I read this and how much empathy I have for you sister in Christ. Our strength from God only comes with enough for each day so we rely on him. That’s what he wants Melissa, for you to rely only on him. Also remember Jesus did Lucas a favor, I know it sounds crazy but in Isaiah 57:1-2 Jesus talks about how the righteous are taken away to be spared from the evil of this world, if nothing else comforts you right now, take comfort in knowing Lucas will never be disappointed or sad, or cry or hear and see the evil on this world, he will have no more pain! EVER. My heart breaks for you and I will keep on praying for you my friend-sending love and God’s continued healing of your heart ❤️

  8. Sherry says:

    Melissa, I don’t know you but you are an inspiration to me. I could not imagine losing one of my children. I have lost a lot of my family – mom, dad, 2 sisters and 2 brothers. But to lose your own child….
    He is watching over you to keep you safe and to feel his love for you.
    It doesn’t matter who you lost or how, it will be apart of you for the rest of your life. My mom has been gone for 32 years and I still want to pick up the phone and talk to her. You are not crazy for thinking of him and waiting for the phone to ring – you are normal. Stay Strong and Keep the Faith!

  9. Roni Fischer says:

    I get it. Every bit of it. I am thankful for your words because they always express how I feel. I think of you often…and of your Lucas…and of my Ryan…and I know that they are just fine…thank God…more than fine for that matter…they are perfect and happy and present with our Father. It just sucks for the rest of us that have to remain her on this earth without them. But…we will see them again and until then, I choose JOY…a very conscious effort every morning because God had us remaining here for a purpose and because our boys would not want it any other way. Let’s get together soon. Hugs to you my friend.

  10. Rk says:

    You have no clue who I am…we have never met. My son lives down off Cascade toward the river…not one time…not ONCE have I traveled that road and not thought of you, looked for Lucas’ memorial, and said a prayer for your hurting heart….not ONE time. You can believe in your own heart that you are showing people the way…..maybe not how to grieve because that’s an individual journey…but you are showing its ok to share your raw aching heart and not ONE of us who have never experienced losing a child could ever know how that feels. You are true to yourself, and I for one miss when you do not blog. Many blessing of peace I pray for you today.

  11. Tammy says:

    Melissa, I have thought about you so much since your last blog post. I’m glad you reached out to all of us through this blog. We need to be reminded to continue to pray for you and come alongside you as you journey through this long season of grief. Losing a child (who is part of you) has got to be the most horrific thing anyone could ever imagine. Praying that you feel God’s love and peace today. (((hugs))) ❤️

  12. Arlene DeYoung says:

    Melissa, I pray for you and think of you and your family often. Say prayers when I go down Cascade. You are an inspiration! Thank you for your transparency and heart. I can’t imagine what you have been going thru but my heart aches for you! God will continue to walk beside you, carry you and get you thru this journey!!! My daughter and I just said, we wonder if you had candles…keep us posted if you are selling. I would be happy to drop by with a meal sometime too. 😉 -Arlene

  13. Marcie says:

    I can’t even imagine how you feel when you see life go on for everyone else and yet while it does for you.. it doesn’t in so many ways.

    I have never been good with death. I think of you and Lucas and it makes me a better mom. Even if half the time I am still a crappy one.

    Love hugs and Moscato soon

  14. Joan says:

    Hi Melissa; Few days before you blogged; I was asking God about you wondering how you were since you had not written for awhile. I do think & pray for you mostly every night. No;I do not know the pain you have however watching my son loose his baby before we could experience his life. But I remember that pain I saw as my son cried so many tears as well as his wife. I ;too still will shed tears seeing a baby at the store wondering what it would have been like as well as wondering how old he would be if he was here. Yes,it is normal to scream or cry out when we can’t take it–we are human & need to vent! The other day my friend who has lost a son posted on facebook “:Have you ever missed someone so much that even the thought of them made you burst into tears” Her daughter also lost a daughter at age 18 almost two years ago. They too feel their only comfort comes from Jesus. He is there to listen to our screams our cries—–He loves you very much every moment of your day–he listens to your pain –keep talking to Him for help & comfort. Our comfort is knowing that there will be a day we will all be together with Jesus knowing only love no sorrow!! I will keep praying for you–God bless!

  15. Jenny says:

    Melissa, Thank you so much for your posts. You put into words all of the things I feel every day. I lost my sweet 18 year old son in June of 2014 and grief is crushing and isolating. I don’t feel so alone when I read your words. I’m so sorry that Lucas was torn away from you. I pray for you & your family often.

  16. Brian says:

    Still here and still reading and still praying for you and your family. Our girls still pray for you every night in their bedtime prayers.

  17. Pam says:

    With you Melissa.. it’s been almost 14 months since my son died. I DO absolutely know the depths of your pain and I wish someone could tell me how to make it all better..

  18. Jen Leavenworth says:

    Melissa- I drive past your home several times a day. I think of you EVERY time I drive by. I force myself to look, even though it is painful to remember. I still have a lump in my throat and I can’t even imagine the pain. I regularly pray for your family. I will never forget and we have never met.

  19. Vikki K. says:

    Melissa,
    We haven’t heard from you for a while. I don’t know if that’s good or bad for what you must be feeling and going through. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you always. I can’t imagine going through what you have, but just want you to know that we are all here for you and hoping you can find your way through the grief to continue living–for you, for your kids, and your husband. There is so much more life for you to experience. Sending hugs and prayers.

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