Lord…

Lord, I don’t understand how you thought I could handle this.  I am an empty shell, shuffling around pretending to be alive.  There are tears constantly on the brim of my lids that I am willing to stay there…don’t fall…don’t fall…

When I wake up in the morning I feel like a truck has hit me, like the most virulent strain of ebola has taken over my body. Except its ebola of the mind.  My body feels like a limp noodle too, and my stomach is in a constant state of severe nausea. Just swallow it down. Swallow it down.

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” psalm 34:17-20

I am waiting to be delivered Lord.  I am waiting for the day when the pain doesn’t not encompass every single cell of my being, when my constant cry is not for you to take me to heaven.  To take me to see him.  When I want to live on earth and fulfill whatever mission you would have me do.

I want to understand, God, please tell me why? Why would you give me such a beautiful son that I loved more than my own life and then have him struck down like a branch chopped off a tree.  I loved him so much God.  Other than your love there is no greater love.  No greater love.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”  John 3: 16-17

I am feeble and weak, and I do not understand.  I do not know that I can stand on my own two feet again.  Yet Jesus you know everything because you knew me before I was even created, even an inkling of a thought.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

psalm 139:13-14