Love letter

Dear Lucas,

Every time I think the pain to be away from you hits rock bottom, as deep as deep can go, it goes a little further.  Today the tears flowed so often I’m surprised I didn’t just shrivel up.  I wanted to see you off to your sophomore year of high school so bad, so bad, I couldn’t stand it.  Driving past the high school to drop off your sisters at school was the emotional equivalent of being burned alive.  I have never. Ever. Missed you more.  I wanted to hug you, to hold you, to ruffle your curly hair, to playfully wrestle you as we used to do, my arms just ached with the absence.  I felt in such limbo today- stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Your absence is the worst hell I can imagine.  Yet I must stay here.  I can’t leave my other babies, my four other beauties that I love with all my heart.  Yet they have only part of a mother.

You are everywhere though in my pain I cannot “feel” you as others have described their loved ones who have died.  You just pop up everywhere- a soccer picture from first grade, your old ipod on the basement floor, your sandal in the corner of the garage. I find myself bringing you up in so many conversations, like you are still here but then your name just hangs in the air- another painful  reminder.  Having to pick up your class directory from last year with your handwriting on the front.  Looking at your handwriting is torture.  Looking at your picture is torture.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it without you my sweet boy.  You just knew me so well, knew just what to say, just how to help; so handsome and smart- I was, I am, the proudest Mama on the planet.  How you could be taken from this earth at fifteen years old is STILL unfathomable to me.  I think I will go to my own grave still unable to completely comprehend it.  How life can be so cruel and heartless, how deep a level of pain the human spirit is able to feel.  How physically I grieve for you my son.  It literally takes my breath away.

Such love, such a bond between mother and son we had.  It is so infinitely unbearable to be without you.  The fact that every day that passes is one more since I’ve touched you, talked to you…your presence is just that much further away.

I must remind myself.  You are perfect. You are in glory. You would never want to come back to this sad downtrodden earth.  You get to be with Jesus.  Why doesn’t it help my pain.  I just love you so much.  I love you so very very much.



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