Sometimes I just cannot handle it.  Sometimes I think I AM THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.  I AM SO MAD AT GOD I AM SO MAD I AM SO MAD I AM SO MAD.  Today, at this very moment, I am irate.

I miss him so much. I miss him so desperately, so acutely, so painfully, so unbearably I want to literally go outside and started digging a hole for myself.  I cannot, will not accept that I won’t ever see him again.  Cannot accept.  I must have him back.  I LOVE HIM GOD SO SO SO MUCH.  I NEED HIM.  I NEED HIM LIKE AIR.  LIKE WATER.  I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

I just found his lunch bag in the cupboard.  Oh my dear Lord Jesus his lunch bag is still in the cupboard waiting.  Waiting to be used.  It needs to be filled with yogurt and almonds and granola bars and some extra for Christian and go to school.  It needs to go to Forest Hills Central High school and be carried by a handsome six foot four gentle giant who made people smile and consoled them when they cried.  Who told his teachers how much he appreciated them and came home and asked his Mommy when he walked in the door how her day was.

I laid on the floor and willed myself not to throw up.  I’m sorry this is graphic.  You should know by know that I say whatever is on my mind, I suppose there are worse things than throwing up right?

I remembered the coat in the cubby and the cologne in the bathroom drawer that I have not been able to touch along with this square blue lunchbag and I fell.  Completely. Apart.  Right at the seams- crack.  If you were here you would have heard a crack.

I had Pandora on the radio.  The moment I felt myself crack apart this song came on, one that we have held close since January 16 because it so aptly describes, well everything we are going through.  Really everything about Christianity.

Listen to it.  I am no longer crying right now.  Five minutes ago I couldn’t breathe through my sobs but I have been reminded by God, oh for about the 4,639th time in the last eight months how much he loves me and has a home for me in heaven.  I am sad.  I am sad about Lucas.  BUT LUCAS IS HOME!!!!

Praise God.

11 Responses to Lunchbag

  1. Katie says:

    Amazing. You are Amazing even in your weak moments, which actually appear quite the opposite every time I read your blog. Only God could find a way to put heartache and blessing in the same sentence. Thinking of you.

  2. Linda Norton says:

    I lost my daughter Holly in a car accident too. I went to Calvin Christian high school with Barb Herema Bennett. My heart aches every time I think of her. The only thing I can tell you at this point of your grieving is, time helps smooth things out just a little. You are still at the beginning of your grieving process. I felt so sad reading your article above. There is no pain greater then the loss of a child. My dear precious Holly was killed coming home from church in 1988. I still have days after all these years that are very painful. However, keep strong in your faith, and let some time go by. This is a very difficult journey that you and I have experienced and no one really understands unless they’ve been through it themselves. My heart aches for you. I will pray for you. We serve a great and powerful God. A sister in Christ,Linda

    • Barbara Bennett says:

      Bless you Linda. You and I have talked about this often. Your circumstances with Holly were so similar, with her life threatening illness and then losing her in a car accident. Only when we’re “Home” will we know all the answers to these tragedies. Love you.

  3. Val says:

    You were on my mind today. Please know you were prayed for today and that we as a family pray for you daily.

  4. Machele Krebill says:

    LOVE that song and love you guys Melissa! Thoughts, prayers, hugs and much love goes out to you and yours every single day!!

  5. jane klingenberg says:

    Dear Melissa:

    I am so so sorry for all this pain. I continue to pray for you. I know that God has you held tightly.

  6. Tammy Richards says:


    What a beautiful song full of hope! I can’t wait to go to heaven so I can be with Jesus and be reunited with my sister Patti. God is so good. I’m praying for you dear sister in Christ ❤️


  7. Terri says:

    Please know that you are not alone. Your words are very comforting to those that have experienced similar pain and heartbreak. You are doing God’s work by comforting others with your raw, honest, painful words. Words that may not come easy to those that have suffered so, however, help us to be able to relate. To know that others have suffered such pain and are able to survive and see the good that life has to offer is monumental. Thank you for sharing. And yes, you have been prayed for today.

  8. Melinda says:

    Imagine the joy that Lucas is experiencing right now! Your pain is real. But so is the love and comfort of Jesus. May He lavish both on you right now.

  9. Joan says:

    Words cannot be found but my heart & spirit of Jesus Christ is with you——Yes; Jesus Loves You—prayer for comfort & to feel His love & hugs during these moments of grieve!

  10. kortne says:

    everytime i hear that song, something comes over me, and i think, gosh I LOVE this song…why do i know this song…and i realize it was the song they played at Lucas’s Celebration of Life, and my heart smiles. because to this day, your son, whom i’ve never met (but look forward to meeting) has made my heart a little softer, smile a little wider, and hands a little bigger.

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