Sometimes I just cannot handle it. Sometimes I think I AM THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I AM SO MAD AT GOD I AM SO MAD I AM SO MAD I AM SO MAD. Today, at this very moment, I am irate.
I miss him so much. I miss him so desperately, so acutely, so painfully, so unbearably I want to literally go outside and started digging a hole for myself. I cannot, will not accept that I won’t ever see him again. Cannot accept. I must have him back. I LOVE HIM GOD SO SO SO MUCH. I NEED HIM. I NEED HIM LIKE AIR. LIKE WATER. I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM.
I just found his lunch bag in the cupboard. Oh my dear Lord Jesus his lunch bag is still in the cupboard waiting. Waiting to be used. It needs to be filled with yogurt and almonds and granola bars and some extra for Christian and go to school. It needs to go to Forest Hills Central High school and be carried by a handsome six foot four gentle giant who made people smile and consoled them when they cried. Who told his teachers how much he appreciated them and came home and asked his Mommy when he walked in the door how her day was.
I laid on the floor and willed myself not to throw up. I’m sorry this is graphic. You should know by know that I say whatever is on my mind, I suppose there are worse things than throwing up right?
I remembered the coat in the cubby and the cologne in the bathroom drawer that I have not been able to touch along with this square blue lunchbag and I fell. Completely. Apart. Right at the seams- crack. If you were here you would have heard a crack.
I had Pandora on the radio. The moment I felt myself crack apart this song came on, one that we have held close since January 16 because it so aptly describes, well everything we are going through. Really everything about Christianity.
Listen to it. I am no longer crying right now. Five minutes ago I couldn’t breathe through my sobs but I have been reminded by God, oh for about the 4,639th time in the last eight months how much he loves me and has a home for me in heaven. I am sad. I am sad about Lucas. BUT LUCAS IS HOME!!!!