more nightmares

I need to write this too because it helps me to get it out.  I hesitate because I don’t want anyone who is not mature to read this.  However I know we live in a broken and sinful world and things like this happen.  I don’t understand why and no one ever really will.  I have a burning image in my head of my little boy after the accident.  He is not little but he will always be my baby.  He was thrown sixty feet into the snow and when I saw him I saw his crumpled bleeding body in the snow.  I understand now how soldiers are never the same after war.  The image will not leave me.  It plays over, and over, and over, and over and over.  Its too much for a mother to bear.  I know they say God will not give us too much to bear and maybe in heaven I will understand why I had to see that.  God knows but I don’t understand.  It just keeps replaying.  It hurts just as much as the thought that I will never see him again.  That he had to die this way.

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