I recently posted this to facebook; I had stumbled upon it while looking for another verse. I know I was meant to find it, because I do feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing my family because my grief is so deep and overwhelming. Being around them reminds me that he is missing, it reminds me that he is no longer their big brother or son on earth, it reminds me of how desperately we can try to be good parents and then one day have one of those precious jewels just slip through our fingers.
As so many things have surprised me, the weeks leading up to school have been like a tsunami in my soul. An endless beating of pain like giant waves crashing over villages destroying them. I feel like my village is being destroyed. I feel like I have lost my bearings as a wife and mother. The pain just envelopes me like giant vise squeezing the life out of me.
I feel lost.
I can barely stand the outside world that moves on with vacations and outings and celebrations and families that are WHOLE.
Inside my family I feel like a failure. Too beaten up to be of any worth.
So where do I go?
I will not fail. Every part of my being says “you are failing” but God says “you are not.” He says that I am perfect. That because of him I am perfect no matter how completely utterly worthless I feel, how defeated, how tormented, how I will never be whole again.
Thank you Jesus for that. Otherwise I think I might just let go of the rope.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I am strong. If strength is measured in tears, well then, I’m getting pretty buff.