No fear

she will not fail

I recently posted this to facebook; I had stumbled upon it while looking for another verse.  I know I was meant to find it, because I do feel like I am failing.  I feel like I am failing my family because my grief is so deep and overwhelming.  Being around them reminds me that he is missing, it reminds me that he is no longer their big brother or son on earth, it reminds me of how desperately we can try to be good parents and then one day have one of those precious jewels just slip through our fingers.

As so many things have surprised me, the weeks leading up to school have been like a tsunami in my soul. An endless beating of pain like giant waves crashing over villages destroying them. I feel like my village is being destroyed.  I feel like I have lost my bearings as a wife and mother.  The pain just envelopes me like giant vise squeezing the life out of me.

I feel lost.

I can barely stand the outside world that moves on with vacations and outings and celebrations and families that are WHOLE.

Inside my family I feel like a failure.  Too beaten up to be of any worth.

So where do I go?

I will not fail.  Every part of my being says “you are failing” but God says “you are not.” He says that I am perfect.  That because of him I am perfect no matter how completely utterly worthless I feel, how defeated, how tormented, how I will never be whole again.

Thank you Jesus for that.  Otherwise I think I might just let go of the rope.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am strong.  If strength is measured in tears, well then, I’m getting pretty buff.

verse tattoo

 


4 Responses to No fear

  1. Mary Konsoer says:

    Thank you,for being who you are. I have been reading Live Like Lucas since the very start. Your words are always very touching to me and I want you to know at times beneficial. My loving thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

  2. Machele Krebill says:

    Oh Melissa you are far from failing! You are my inspiration everyday…look at those smiling, beautiful, happy children that are yours. They look up to you and love you beyond words…that’s success. Look at what you have accomplished with Lucas’ legacy…another success. You are a fighter and a winner…you have inspired people to love more freely, enjoy every day and to always Live Like Lucas! You are an amazing Mother, Wife, Daughter and friend…we cherish you and admire you!
    ((Hugs and prayers always))

  3. Joan says:

    Prayers are always with you!! No one is a failure in God’s eyes—He loves us—He is our Father—continue to ask Him for strength to keep being You & to be a mom & wife. Although,grief can be great God is there to help you & your choice to fight is within you to still have a purpose in life. God be with you each day & especially in the tough times.

  4. Windy says:

    I thought of you today, taking my senior to school for senior breakfast. At 6:54, when I drove past your home with the upstairs lights on, and past the glowing candles at “the site”. I reminded the kids in my car that life was short, to be careful, to treat others kindly. I wondered how you were holding up…..praying you could feel my hug, praying for strength for you, your husband, and your children on this first day of school and always. I feel like I know you, the deepest parts of you, though we have never met. I have never responded to your blog, yet I am an avid reader…..re-reader, and fan. I have four children, one graduated, three still throughout the Forest Hills school system. I want you to know there are many silent people out there that know you have made a difference!! We hold our children tighter, we are kinder to strangers, and overall better people, because of you….because of Lucas. If you ever need anything, or help with the foundation, please reach out to me at anytime. And please keep being you, you are just as special as Lucas to those of us following you to hear your story, his story. (((((hugs)))))

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