I used to see life like I was looking in a fun house mirror. Things were out of shape, distorted. The thing was though, I didn’t realize how distorted it was. There were things I felt that should change. I knew my life was not going the way I wanted it to. It was the perspective that was wrong. All wrong.
One the things about being in this new club I have found myself in, this “club no one ever wants to be in” is that there are some strange perks. I think, personally that having such a huge loss puts everything in perspective. I feel like its part of why this blog just flows out me. When you have something “sacred torn from your life” as the Natalie Grand song says, very little of what was important before, matters now. I feel like I can put my heart and soul out there and have thousands read it, and it people don’t like it? Who cares. Nothing can hurt me when I’ve experienced a world of hurt.
Back to the perspective. I used to think that it was OK to be in my own little shell. I was depressed and had marriage problems a too many kids to keep my sanity. I was really being closed off. These things suck just as bad whether you are before or after a life changing experience. I hope that for me these things get better- a lot lot better. Yet I will always completely understand how it feels to be hurt and alone and closed off. I will do my very best to minister to these people. To try to seek them out. That’s just it, depression is the great isolator. Those who are depressed want to close themselves off. If only I had tried to reach out beyond myself more, try to find a community of christian women, try to think of others more and myself less.
Another huge one for me is how to spend my time. I thought I had a “hobby” but they were time wasters. There are many many great hobbies. Mine was dumb. I kept telling myself it was okay because I was part of a huge online community where others had the same hobby. Okay, I”ll tell you- its a certain brand of kids clothes. I’m sure many of you are like, huh? I just wanted my kids to be super cute and it made me feel good to dress them in just the right outfit. It also takes a lot of work to hunt down just the right piece because its that kind of brand. Not even to begin with the time it took to sell it. I’m sure this all sounds really crazy to you. I’m going to have new hobbies now. Playing with my kids more. Reading. Bible study. If I can find a way to relax that is going to improve myself or others I’m gonna do it.
There are so many other ways that my perspective had changed. Friends are soooooo much more important now. A group of amazing Christian women has just embraced me and enveloped me in love. If only I had leaned on them before. My family was not as important as it should have been. I held grudges; that they weren’t there for me enough, didn’t say the right things, didn’t support me the way I needed. It’s all about forgiveness and acceptance. We only have one family. We never know how much time we have with them. Our differences are so minute when we realize we are all children of God. People are put into our lives for a reason. Love them. Forgive them.
My marriage before was coming apart because of selfishness. Neither of us wanted to give up anything. We wanted to hold our stance and demand we were right and the other was wrong. Marriage is about sacrificing everything for the other person. Its not about self, if you give yourself to your spouse and put their needs first they will do the same for you.
I’m in the club no one wants to be in. Yet the view from here is amazing.
I Corinthians 13:2
Now all we can see of God
is like a cloudy picture
in a mirror.
Later we will see him
face to face.
We don’t know everything,
but then we will,
just as God completely