I haven’t liked rollercoasters in a long time.  They make me nauseous and give me a terrible headache.  I never knew truly what an emotional rollercoaster felt like, but I’m pretty I don’t like those kind either.  Mostly it makes you feel sick.  Then there are the times when you are at the top and its exhilerating and freeing just for a moment.  Mostly I have been just cruising, trying not to feel too much.  Really enjoying talking to my friends and reading heartfelt cards and seeing the incredible generosity our community has.  For a moment this morning at 5 am when the house was completely quiet I truly thought I was in the valley of the shadow of death.  My heart felt like a stone. A rock.  So heavy and burdensome it was going to fall out of my chest.  I took a couple xanex and went back to sleep.  Thank God.

Today I wanted to just try to relax and let my body know it was not in trauma anymore.  Therapists are a blessing.  They tell you what to do when you just don’t know.  I wanted to put my grief in a box and put it on a shelf.  For a bit.  I know I have the rest of my life to grieve him.

I don’t think I really have started to MISS him yet.  I have grieved, cried, wailed, flung myself on the ground, screamed out in pain.  I have not let myself miss him.  I don’t know if that makes any sense at all.

Then I was just finally getting dressed a few minutes ago and going through a basket of clothes.  In it were some of his shirts, his basketball shorts, his socks.  It was then that I really missed him.  His size large tall shirts that still barely reached his wrists.  The underarmour shirts that he never had enough of because he thought he had to go to the gym EVERY DAY.  I don’t think there is a 15 year old in history that was more interested in exercising. Well really, getting muscles.  Every time I saw him he had a protein shake in his hand.  His things. His person.  I’m going to miss him so much.  So. So. So. So. So. So. much.

Jesus hold me. Hold me tight.

Lucas would want us to listen to this

23 Responses to rollercoaster

  1. Katie says:

    Oh Melissa, I hate that you have to be on this Rollarcoaster too:( Sometimes it’s ok if the only thing you do today is breathe. May Jeseus hold you so so tight.

  2. cindy says:

    Dear Melissa, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers daily. Thank-you for sharing. May God Bless You and your family.

  3. Michelle says:

    Melissa, you don’t know me but Lucas’ story has touched my heart. Each of you have been in my daily thoughts and prayers. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through…my heart has ached since I heard about the accident, learned about Lucas through news reports and specifically you sharing your feelings so openly. Lucas’ story is touching so many lives! May God bless each of you and may He give you strength, peace, comfort and healing in the very difficult days ahead.

  4. Sheli says:

    In the quiet moments, I pray for you most. He’s got you. XO

  5. kristipoplin says:

    Dear Melissa,
    I started following your blog from the first day. At that time 14 people had left comments. I shared your blog on Facebook, as there seemed a need to share your sorrow with others in the Forest Hills area. As a mom, a sister in Christ, a Forest Hills neighbor: I made a promise to you on Lucas’ page that he would be remembered, loved and honored the way you had hoped. Everyday I pray for you and your family. I know I am not alone in lifting your family in prayer.The entire community is praying for you Melissa!
    You mentioned the other day you thought kind words should be expressed daily and your sweet baby Lucas, would have benefited by hearing the kind and gentle thoughts of his friends and fellow classmates. Perhaps, this is just one of the ways we can make a difference in making Lucas a resonating thought in our hearts…a fire that keeps on burning, the light that stays on forever.
    Your blog is just so beautiful and bittersweet. It is real and raw emotion. It is a roller coaster ride!!! You have a knack with words and just perhaps, there are others who read your blog and find some healing or solace in your thoughts because like you they have loved and loss. There is a song by Laura Story called” Blessings.” Are you familiar with it? The basis of the song is her husband and their journey with his brain tumor and having faith. You can find it on you tube, it is glorious.
    As I mentioned earlier, your son will be a burning ember in the hearts of so many. We will honor and always remember him…my promise to you,
    With Love and Prayers,

  6. Ana says:

    Dear Melissa, Our prayer group prayed for you this morning and all those affected by this horrible tragedy; we will continue to pray for you. We ask God to hold you and your family in the palm of his hand…..keep writing., we are with you.

  7. Kathy says:

    Your blog is such an inspiration and blessing to many. May God continue to hold you tight. I love that song!!!

  8. Patti says:

    Praying for God to give you comfort and peace. Walking with you reading your blog. I love to read your stories about your precious Lucas. Please continue to write and share your music. God’s Peace.

  9. cindy says:

    I agree with Kathy your blog is such an inspiration and blessing. May God Bless you and your family!

  10. Marcie says:

    Hold Tight to what you can. Write, hug and love. The roller coaster is there……but you will be able to ride and survive it. Blessing and hugs.

  11. Sandy says:

    I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I know the pain a little from burying a toddler 8 years ago. You’ll never be the same. I just want to encourage you to grieve with your husband too. Men and women almost always grieve differently but you need him far more than you think you do. He needs you too. If your marriage was great make it even better, if it was struggling make it better. Make it a top priority. I made the mistake of distancing myself from my husband and driving a wedge into our relationship – even guilting him. It hurt our other children SO much and just added to their pain of losing a little brother. It took lots of counseling but we have a wonderful relationship again. All my love and prayers.

  12. Brian says:

    He does have you. That’s for sure. I like this one too… though it sure also really hits home how Lucas should have had so many more years here first. Praying.

  13. Mick bro says:

    Continue to write that’ s the best thing you can do for yourself right now & we are ready to read what ever have to are doing all the right things. The best therapy. I hope just a little tiny bit of humor won’ offend you please try not to fall on the pavement because you just might hurt yourself& you don’t need that right now.if this bothered you let me know becaus I certainly didn’t mean for that to happen Prayinj for all of you

  14. Lynn Anderson says:

    Hi Melissa, I’m one of Josh’s many cousins. You are so brave to blog. I am praying for your family, sometimes hourly. May you find strength not only to heal yourself but for support for all the kids. I cannot even come close to imagining loosing one of mine. May God give you strength and eventually peace.

  15. Kate T. says:

    Melissa, we do not know each other but I have been touched by your blog. I saw from my back window as ambulance lights flashed from the accident last Friday. As soon as I found out what had happened my thoughts turned to you. I have been continuously praying for you and your family. I know in my hardest moments, the moments that I don’t have the strength or faith to pray, sometimes the only thing that lifts me up is the prayers of others. You have so many people that care! Your voice is heard and your son will be remembered. Thank you for sharing these personal, inspirational thoughts with us. May God bless you!

  16. keb029 says:

    My heart. That song. Those words. Your sweet boy. I miss him with you and I never even had the honor of meeting him. But he has made me a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, and disciple. I carry you in my heart Melissa, all of my days.

    • Ruth Vander Horn says:

      Melissa : I have a grandson who was in the same class at FCHS & attended Ada Bible church with him . You will never know until you reach heaven how many lives you & Lucas have touch . Lucas in his short life & you with your touching & honest blogs . Prayers are for you that you will have the strength to care for your other children in the days & years to follow .

  17. Katie Ojo says:

    I’m continuing to raise you up. Your words are amazing, your feelings are so real. Thank you for sharing and please let us continue to raise you up. May our my perfect Savior continue to hold you and guide you. Please continue to share your memories. Prayers

  18. Sue says:

    keeping Lucas’s mom in my prayers (I know this pain)

  19. Ruth says:

    Melissa : You will never know until you reach heaven how much Lucas’s short life & your heart felt messages have blessed others . My prayers are that you will have the strength to care for your children .

  20. wmielock says:

    I never met you but I knew Lucas. My son ran x-country with him last year and I cheered for Lucas at every meet. I took pictures of him and used him as an inspiration to my child (who always came in behind him) He had big steps to follow to the finish line. We continue to mourn with your family and have also found some laughter. Last year when Lucas got 3 home runs in the game, my son was the one from the other team pitching to him. It was great because they knew each other and I loved how they laughed about it. Just wanted to share our memory of your sweet Lucas. He was wise beyond his years and being at the funeral and listening to the words he wrote to his Papa and his friend, the words on his whiteboard, he changed many hearts that day. Many boys his age will live differently after hearing those words. What a gift Lucas has given to them. I thank you for that. You clearly raised an amazing young man. Continuing to hold you close and pray you through this excruciating time.

  21. Hope says:

    I have been keeping you I my prayers. You will miss him in every thing you see that reminds you of him and it’s okay to miss him, it is okay to have days where you don’t want to do much, it is okay to cry when and where you want to. I still do almost three years after my son passed! When you are ready you will do a little more each day but do it in your time. Your not alone in what you are going through ,there are others (like myself) out here that know all to well what you are feeling and going through. If you need a new friend that has been there, I am here!

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