stripped

Why didn’t I see God before?

I thought I did. Yet i didn’t.  I wasn’t really opening my eyes to him.  How life could have been different had I opened my eyes.  I didn’t think I really NEEDED him.

I woke up this morning with a sense of peace.  I think I accepted for the first time that Lucas wasn’t coming back.  Now to type that it hurts so much but when I first woke up I God saying, “I have him now.  I’m sorry he can’t be with you.  He is standing in the sun with me. My loving arms are wrapped around him.”

I just wonder why I didn’t see God before. Hear him speaking to me.

Now he is everywhere, in everything,  I also had a picture in my mind when I woke up of a beautiful, colorful, intricate mural that represents God.  I had sunglasses on before.  I wasn’t really seeing all of the mural, in its brightest colors.  What could I have seen if I had really looked before, if I had taken the sunglasses off? I know he was there before.  I know he is here now. I know he will be tomorrow.

A beautiful mural is the way I think about seeing God right in front of me when I wasn’t really looking.  However his hand has been in every. single. thing. since January 16.  The deluge of support.  My friends that surrounded me and we bonded like superglue.  They were there, just waiting, for God’s whisper to go into action. God’s hands and feet have been scrubbing my floors and toilets. Reading to my kids. Making me the most scrumptious meals imaginable.  The way my family has been my stronghold. There to keep me away from the edge. The way certain people are always in the right place at the right time.

The stories that have pouring in about my son teaching me so much I didn’t even know.  I knew how much I loved him before, I just had no idea how many lives he had touched.  I do feel like I lost I bright shining star, but that light will not go out.  We won’t be able to see him but his light will lead our way.  I always thought Lucas was too good for this world.

I was right.

I cry out to God, why didn’t I see you before? Truly see you? It took being stripped bare. Experiencing a loss so colossal everything else just fell away.  I felt there was nothing left of me. Nothing but bare broken skeleton.  What’s to live for when you lose your firstborn son? Your treasure? Your golden boy? Your beautiful baby…?

Now I have nothing to live for but Jesus.