there is no pain as deep

i just buried my son.

I had to put a casket with his body in it in the ground.

There is nothing in the world, nothing that can be that painful.  If I can imagine the depths of hell and burning alive I can’t imagine it being that painful.

No one should ever have to go through that.  Ever, ever, ever, ever.

I thought I would be Okay, I kept telling myself he doesn’t live in that body anymore.  This is just something we do, symbolically. I was lying to myself.

Its not okay.  Its not okay.  its not okay.

I loved that boy with every cell of my being, every ounce of energy, every bit of love that was humanly possible I poured into that boy.  I held him as a tiny newborn and rocked him, cared for his every need, kissed him so much I probably rubbed his hair off.  As he grew up we were inseparable.  He told me everything. It was my life to take care of him and his siblings and devote myself to nurturing them into adults.  I wasn’t perfect, oh noooooooo.  I just loved them and poured my soul and energy into them.  That love between a mother and child I can only imagine as a reflection of God’s love, some small piece of that on earth.  So powerful.

Its not okay.

28 Responses to there is no pain as deep

  1. Lindsey & Christopher Kallemeyn says:

    I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling but please know that I am praying for you and your entire family (hugs)

  2. C says:

    I’m moved by your blog and posts. We do not know each other but you and your beautiful family have been in my thoughts this past week. At mass this morning, I kept thinking of you. I’m praying that our community, your friends and family hold you up.
    Our pastor once said that God doesn’t give you patience, He gives you opportunities to be patient…He doesn’t fill you with faith, He gives you opportunities to be faithful. Know that you and your wonderful boy are in our thoughts. I hope your faith helps ease your pain.

  3. Jason Bordewyk says:

    Melissa, Please know that our family is praying for your over and over again each day. We will continue to pray for you and Rich as well as Brooklyn, Brenna, Bryleigh, and Brady. I am praying now that Christ will continue to comfort you.

    I have been encouraged in my faith through your words this week and have had an opportunity to share the joy we have in Christ with several people who I have talked about Lucas with. As I have read the comment from students and staff at Lucas’ school, I prayed that hearts are turned to Christ there. We will continue to prayer for God to transform hearts and lives through this time. Know that people all over are praying for you Missy.

  4. Julia says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss its still is settling in my mind as well. I have liked him ever sence 1st grade and each time I saw him in the hall I smiled he always made my day. He was always happy and always catedvfor others. Even though I will always have a crush on him but I never had the chance to tell him how I felt. I know he would want me to move on but yet I can’t its like a part of me dies every time a new intagram post or face book post comes up and the sadness starts all over again. You are not alone in this time of darkness we all are and we are all here for each other stay strong its all we can do. #riplucas may he rest in peace

  5. Rachelle Coller says:

    I have no words. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. You and your family have been on my mind every moment. We don’t know each other, but one thing we have in common is that we are mothers. There is nothing that I can say to make this OK. My thought and prayers are with you. BIG HUGS!

  6. Laura B says:

    I can’t even begin to imagine how horrific this must be for you, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying comfort, strength, and peace over you.

  7. Mark Groen says:

    I can not relate to the pain that you are feeling…I can however pray for you and your family to take it one day at a time and that God comforts you. Thank you for your posts and for sharing such intimate feelings of you and your son….This is the time where Jesus carries you because you are too weak to walk on your own! (Footprints in the sand!)

  8. Jodi A. says:

    Dear Lord, please wrap your arms around this family and give them some type of comfort..please!!

  9. Holly says:

    My heart & soul weeps for you Melissa. I can’t say anything that will help ease your pain & suffering. Let God carry you through this dark valley. So, so sorry. Praying for you.

  10. laurie says:

    We are here, we are listening. We care so deeply. We’re praying night and day for you and yours. Our community does not seem the same…it’s not just another day…knowing that you are going through this is so difficult, but nothing at all in comparison to your every moment. All I know to do is keep praying for you, and live a better life each day to honor Lucas and your family. We are near, loving you.

  11. LYNN ALLEN says:

    Melissa, welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member. This next year will be the hardest in your life. The hole in your heart will never be filled but God can take away some of the pain. You will be angry, angry with God and it is okay. You will be angry with your spouse and that is okay. You wil look at a young man walking daown a road and wonder why not him….not my Lucas. People will say there is a reason for everything, but why this…only time will tell you. This year as time passes and holidays come and go you will think of your son. His bithday you will remember not only his birth but what he would be like at 17. On the anniversary of his death will bring back al the pain, not as intense but pain. Just know Melissa you have now faced the worst thing that life can deal you. Nothing will ever be this horrible. After this you will be able to face anything.
    One question I had was did my son remeber the accident. How much pain was he in before passing away. I have talked to many people who have been in a car accident or hit by a car and they don’t remember anything. That gave me comfort,
    I remember how rude I was to a mother who’s son was going off to college and she was weeping. I looked at her and said at least you have your son, mine is dead.

    Hold strong to your faith and ask the Holy Spirit to wrap his arms around you.

  12. Maggie says:

    I love how raw and honest your blog is. Death is so final… Yet so mysterious .. We know we live on beyond this life on earth … This is not our home… We have all had glimpses of heaven!! As you have had with your dear Lucas…trust that he lives on and is with you… Look for the sighns

  13. Brian says:

    No, it’s not OK and it never will be OK. You will never fill the void completely, but you will be ok. Your faith and your family will lift you up, along with they prayers of many. Prayed for you a lot yesterday. Prayers will continue.

    • Kitt says:

      Because we are one in Christ, your sorrow is my sorrow. Weeping with you, and praying for you, day and night. May you experience a felt sense of God’s Presence.

  14. Kelly says:

    I’m so sorry, Melissa. I can’t imagine your pain and I can’t imagine how hard that was today. My prayers for you are never ending and I will continue to listen.

  15. Melissa my heart has been heavy for your family, I have no words to console you . I do have faith and faith is what I share with you . We do not understand but God does. I pray daily for your family for strength and compassion . Justin is heartbroken as he thought of Lucas like a brother . We prayed together for the battle Lucas fought and won . He would tell Jacob about Lucas and his success that he struggled with and how he was growing so much. . You were blessed to have had this brave man and God gave him to you to nurture.. Your beautiful music you played for my daughter as she became a wife . Rich and you have touched my life and Justins for a lot of years . Stay strong and keep blogging . You are touching so many lives by sharing your struggles and helping many people that you are probably so unaware of. May the Angels keep shining down upon you!

  16. Hope says:

    I cried for you today because I know all to well the pain and hurt you are feeling, it happened to me not that many years ago…my beautiful boy, I miss him so much! Our lives will never be the same again, there is nothing that will mend that hole in our heart, we all grieve differently. At first is was hurt, pain and torture and I felt very lost and didn’t really know what to do, then I became angry and wanted to know why my son was taken from me, it is so unfair. I got so angry when people would say they were so sorry and knew how I felt, but I knew they did not know how I felt because they still had all their children. At one point I got angry with a friend because she said she knew how I felt because she lost her Mother, but the thing is our parents are supposed to die before us ,not our children! It’s a different kind of pain and hurt! You need to take whatever time you need, take time for yourself, cry when you want to but always remember he is there with you, I talk to my son a lot, it does help! Remember his smile, his laughter and all the good memories until you see him again! If I can help to comfort you in any way, leave me a note on here!

  17. nola carew says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m praying for you.

  18. Katie Ojo says:

    You’re so right and as parents there is nothing we’d change, we hold them, love them, nurture them, heal them, teach them, scold them, share the greatness of this world with them(good bad and otherwise). Just as He does for all of us! You are being cared for by Our Father just as you cared for your son. Many of us will never know your true pain but you sharing your story and feelings is so beautiful!!! Melissa, you are serving an awesome God and just as when our children are suffering we comfort them, we wipe their tears and most importantly we love them unconditionally, just as Our Lord will do for all His children. May Lucas’ most perfect soul rest in eternal peace….praying for continued healing and peace through this grief.

  19. Joy Anderson says:

    Melissa, I thought about you and your family a lot today! I thought about how as mothers we want to keep our kids warm, safe and with us! I thought of what a daunting task it would be to put your child in the cold snowy ground, even thought you know they can’t feel anymore, the urge to want to keep them warm would persist! My heart breaks for you, I hate that this happened to you, it’s not okay….

  20. Nancy says:

    As many others reach out to you I feel compelled to as well. The all of the story is overwhelming. Your pain is unimaginable, but it is my hope that realize as you look into the eyes of your beautiful children that Lucas lives on in each of you. What a gorgeous picture of your children on your FB page. Lucas is there in each of your children. It’s so obvious to me what a good mother you were to him and to each of your children. They know your love and you obviously shared that with them every day. It was there for Lucas and he will continue to live on in your four other children. Your memories will sustain you and embrace them. Your beautiful boy lives on in your heart, your husband’s heart, your ex’s heart, the hearts of family members near and far and all those who stop even briefly to hear his story.
    Thank you for sharing him with us.
    You’re a wonderful mother; never ever for one second doubt that !!!

  21. Tom Broekhuizen says:

    Melissa, Rich and family, I’m praying for some peace through all of this. Listen to the song, “All is well” and cling to God. Praying,crying and grieving for you.

  22. alyssaalbers says:

    Laurie expressed my thoughts and feelings so perfectly. I am deeply saddened by your loss, Melissa. I cannot fathom it. I am so sorry – those words are so hollow and carry no healing yet it is all I have to offer you. I am just so very, very sorry.

  23. coronakat says:

    im so very sorry, and i know you keep hearing that, im sure it doesnt help. no parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. melissa its ok to be angry, get your emotions out, God understand. my loss is much different then yours, mine was my mom my best friend and take at a young age, well to me it was young, and was the best gramdma! i was angry for a long time. keep writing, keep talking to friends and family. find some old dishes and throw them! its not fair!!! i wanted to jump into that casket with my mom. oh honey you do have a long journey, but you WILL get through it. i can tell your ARE a strong lady! my prayers are with you!!

  24. Jen Castillo says:

    I have read each word you have written in this blog and your pain screams out…your loss is unimaginable. I find mYself looking into the eyes of my children longer and putting down my phone to be more engaged, feeling blessed to hear their quarrels…your story has enlightened and reminded me that we are not promised tomorrow and to embrace every breath we take….thank you for sharing your story and I will continue to lift you up in prayer

  25. Courtney says:

    I woke up with you and your family on my heart today and prayed for you first thing. Knowing that your whole world came crashing down a week ago today just breaks my heart. The whole Forest Hills community has lost a bit of its brightness with the loss of Lucas. Lifting prayers up for you always. With love.

  26. onlygirlsmom says:

    Laurie put it so well. Our entire community is grieving, reeling, crying and praying with and for you. May that knowledge, help at least a little in giving you some small sliver of peace in this dark season. I am surprised by how much a boy, who I never met personally, has taken such hold of my heart and rocked me to my core.

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