there is no pain as deep

i just buried my son.

I had to put a casket with his body in it in the ground.

There is nothing in the world, nothing that can be that painful.  If I can imagine the depths of hell and burning alive I can’t imagine it being that painful.

No one should ever have to go through that.  Ever, ever, ever, ever.

I thought I would be Okay, I kept telling myself he doesn’t live in that body anymore.  This is just something we do, symbolically. I was lying to myself.

Its not okay.  Its not okay.  its not okay.

I loved that boy with every cell of my being, every ounce of energy, every bit of love that was humanly possible I poured into that boy.  I held him as a tiny newborn and rocked him, cared for his every need, kissed him so much I probably rubbed his hair off.  As he grew up we were inseparable.  He told me everything. It was my life to take care of him and his siblings and devote myself to nurturing them into adults.  I wasn’t perfect, oh noooooooo.  I just loved them and poured my soul and energy into them.  That love between a mother and child I can only imagine as a reflection of God’s love, some small piece of that on earth.  So powerful.

Its not okay.


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