too much

It’s Mothers Day weekend.  One week from today it will have been four months since he said, “how was your day Mom?”

Lucas always made sure I got something for mother’s day.  It was so important to him.  He would pick out flowers from the farmers marker usually- such an incredibly beautiful gesture from a boy.  Just a boy.  With a giving heart.  One time he was going to be gone and I remember he ordered flowers for me to be delivered. Completely on his own.  He was only 9 or 10 years old.  He used my credit card, but of course I could have cared less.  He was thinking about me.  He loved me.  He was the best son a mother could ever ask for. Ever.

I’m angry I have to be alive this mothers day.  Its too much.  I’m angry I have to live through this incredible tortuous pain and longing and aching and arms that are empty of a tall strong boy that loved me SO MUCH. And I him.

I just want to go to heaven and be with him.


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