trust

Up at 6 again. I hate this. My bed was my comfort, where I could wrap myself in a cocoon of warm blankets and forget that the world exists. Now its only a comfort if I’m asleep. When I’m lying in bed awake its when my mind processes things. Terrible, horrible things. The way I saw my beautiful, strong handsome boy moaning in the snow covered with blood. In the ER after the life had gone out of him and it already didn’t look like Lucas. I could barely touch him. He looked beaten up, battered, like he had suffered. Pictures of things no one should ever see. No mother especially. I try SO HARD to think of something else but…I can’t.

I put some music on and pretend I’m on a beach. It doesn’t work. I’ve been on so many beaches with Lucas. It seems there is no escape.

I was told yesterday I should write in a journal. This is what I want to write:
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
On every page. Then,
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
On the other side.

They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…..really?
So for the rest of life I have to have nightmares of crumpled bodies. Every time I see my family sitting around the table there is someone missing. I can’t look at pictures of him right now. Every vacation, holiday, birthday,graduation- that tall comforting presence will not be there. Seeing anything that had to do with him- gyms,workout clothes, protein shakes, baseball gloves, violas, snowboards, hunting bows- I could probably name a thousand things right now that will cause me heartbreak. I still have to go through his clothes. His ginormous shoes. See the hand prints they made of him in the hospital. I can picture them in my mind- his hands were BIG. Long thin fingers that were skilled at so many things.

I know I will go on. Yet I feel like God has given me too much. Too much.

Who am I to judge what God deems right?

In the Bible he tells the story of Job, man of God. He was a devout and faithful servant of the Lord who lost EVERYTHING he had. His crops, his livestock, every one of his ten children.

Do you know what he said?
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:21

I don’t think I can handle this…but God does.

trust2


14 Responses to trust

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.