As the days go on I feel like it’s getting harder. Reality is setting in. I was trying so hard to fight off that pain, trying with every ounce of my being. Not to feel too much. Not to think too much. One thing that I discovered is going “out” is very painful. I was basically just hanging out in my house for the most part for 10 days.
Then I decided to go to Meijer. I just wanted to feel a little normalcy. It was exceedingly hard. Every thing I walked by seem to remind me of him somehow. The workout gear. The hunting gear. His favorite body spray. Then I started remembering how quite often I would be getting ready to go grocery shopping after dinner and Lucas would jump in the car with me. We would go to Meijer together, just to hang out mother and son. It was always his idea. My sweet loving boy. There was so little time for that. With 5 kids it is so, so, hard to get one on one time with them. I literally walked through Meijer in slow motion, willing my feet to walk down the aisles. I didn’t want to stay and I didn’t want to leave.
I drove by Forest Hills Central for the first time since the accident. My preschooler wanted me to take her to school. So I said OK. Didn’t think it would be a big deal, but it was. Terribly horribly painful. As I tried to slow down my breathing I thought, those kids need prayers. So I prayed for them. I begged God to use this tragedy to change them. To breathe the breath of God into that school.
A friend was talking to me about the place where Lucas is buried. I am hyperventilating typing this. I cannot cannot cannot think about him in a casket. It makes me want to lay on the floor and scream. It makes me want to go lay down in the snow and cover myself in it. Just feel the freezing cold seeping into my bones instead of feeling such intense mental anguish.
I have not been doing as well. The shock and adreneline is wearing off. I know I will make it though.
Someone sent me a beautiful verse that has been comforting to me.
I Samuel 1: 27-28. “I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”
Lucas was mine, but yet he wasn’t. He was always God’s.