I am absolutely, entirely alone. There is not a child in my house. None.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
There are clothes to fold and wash, I want to plant some of my plants, my house is a disorganized pile of things everywhere that makes me want to cry when I look at it. My to do list is currently 11 things long but it is really only the things I can REMEMBER I have to do….
Somehow none of it seems the least bit important right now. When my kids are around I feel like I need to get this done and I need to get that done and no mommy can’t play right now she needs to make a phone call…yet when I am sitting by myself here it just doesn’t matter.
Maybe because I just had to change the autofill on my computer and take my son’s email out and replace it with mine. Whoever is emailing firstname.lastname@example.org is not getting an answer. No one is checking Lucas Van Sprange’s facebook page. Maybe that is why nothing matters right now. Because it just doesn’t.
The hurt changes, they say, the pain changes. I was listening to a song last night that said there is no sorrow on earth that heaven can’t heal. David Crowder.
I’m sorry David but I don’t know how I feel about that. This does not feel healable to me. This moment- to -moment- survival- because -I’m -in -so- much -agony feels like what happens when you lose your child. When you lose your gem, your gift, your blessing, your hope for the future. When the unthinkable happens. the nightmare comes true. Everything is shattered.
God brings healing. For many, many, many people. I think you can heal from a divorce or a parent dying or alcoholism or so many different things. I should not be speculating on these things that I have no experience with. I just think, and maybe I’m wrong, that there are a lot of terrible things to which God can bring complete healing. No one should ever put limits on God and I realize now I am doing just that. I just don’t think my heart will ever stop bleeding. I am weak. I am a sinner. I feel bitter and angry sometimes. I want to know how it could be Lucas. Of all people, him.
I don’t KNOW how God can allow suffering to such an extent that they pray every day for the heavens to open up and swallow them up. I will know I guess someday.
Some things are not for us to know.
That’s why he is God.
The God we can cry out to, “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!”
And through my sobs he says, “I know you don’t. But look around at all the beauty. Look at all the amazing friends I have given you. Looks at all HIS friends you have met that are just genuinely amazing kids with big hearts. Look how many people have learned even just a little bit of how to live like Lucas. Look how much closer you have come to me even through your pain. Look how much bigger your heart has gotten and how much perspective you have gained. You will make it. I am holding you. Minute by minute, second by second, you will make it.”
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.