Where does my help come from?

I am absolutely, entirely alone.  There is not a child in my house.  None.

I have no idea what to do with myself.

There are clothes to fold and wash, I want to plant some of my plants, my house is a disorganized pile of things everywhere that makes me want to cry when I look at it. My to do list is currently 11 things long but it is really only the things I can REMEMBER I have to do….

Somehow none of it seems the least bit important right now.  When my kids are around I feel like I need to get this done and I need to get that done and no mommy can’t play right now she needs to make a phone call…yet when I am sitting by myself here it just doesn’t matter.

Maybe because I just had to change the autofill on my computer and take my son’s email out and replace it with mine.  Whoever is emailing snipescoop@gmail.com is not getting an answer.  No one is checking Lucas Van Sprange’s facebook page.  Maybe that is why nothing matters right now.  Because it just doesn’t.

The hurt changes, they say, the pain changes.  I was listening to a song last night that said there is no sorrow on earth that heaven can’t heal.  David Crowder.

I’m sorry David but I don’t know how I feel about that.  This does not feel healable to me. This moment- to -moment- survival- because -I’m -in -so- much -agony feels like what happens when you lose your child.  When you lose your gem, your gift, your blessing, your hope for the future.  When the unthinkable happens. the nightmare comes true. Everything is shattered.

God brings healing.  For many, many, many people.  I think you can heal from a divorce or a parent dying or alcoholism or so many different things.  I should not be speculating on these things that I have no experience with.  I just think, and maybe I’m wrong, that there are a lot of terrible things to which God can bring complete healing.  No one should ever put limits on God and I realize now I am doing just that.  I just don’t think my heart will ever stop bleeding. I am weak. I am a sinner.  I feel bitter and angry sometimes.  I want to know how it could be Lucas.  Of all people, him.

I don’t KNOW how God can allow suffering to such an extent that they pray every day for the heavens to open up and swallow them up.  I will know I guess someday.

Some things are not for us to know.

That’s why he is God.

The God we can cry out to, “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!”

And through my sobs he says, “I know you don’t.  But look around at all the beauty.  Look at all the amazing friends I have given you.  Looks at all HIS friends you have met that are just genuinely amazing kids with big hearts.  Look how many people have learned even just a little bit of how to live like Lucas.  Look how much closer you have come to me even through your pain.  Look how much bigger your heart has gotten and how much perspective you have gained. You will make it. I am holding you. Minute by minute, second by second, you will make it.”

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.”

Psalm 121


8 Responses to Where does my help come from?

  1. Joan says:

    Amen!! When Jesus comes again–then there will be no more tears; death; pain or famine But now on earth there is loss ;pain ;& tears !! Satan wants to destroy . Our Lord hears our prayers & as the song says He is with us always & knows our hurt. No one here on earth can figure out the mind of our God where He may send an angel or do a miracle—-we can wonder perhaps get angry but then realize He is our Lord & sin will be conquered! God be with you. Keep busy or do those items on your list so you can make memories with your children & continue your good works that share Lucas’s name.

  2. Alex Ghareeb says:

    Melissa, I don’t believe you know how much Lucas meant to me. He had helped me through so much and I could never thank him enough. He was always there with a joke or a hug and shoulder to cry on. I wear my live like Lucas necklace everyday. I only take it off when I have to. This is the first time I have been on this blog because I didn’t want to hear the pain that you and other people are going through with the death of your beautiful boy. Every year on the last day of school I have a end of school pool party and the first person to pop into my head was Lucas. I miss him like crazy. He made my life so much happier and lighter. When I met him on the first day of school in seventh grade I knew I wanted to keep him a friend. So that’s what I tried to do. And I think it worked out pretty well. There is this poem that I found and I think it describes him well
    As I look up at the stars at night
    And think of times we shared
    Memories come flooding back
    They all show how much you cared

    Your kind and gentle nature
    Your smile so big and wide
    Thinking of these things
    I know you’re always by my side

    You’ve been a friend when times were hard
    You’ve been a friend I can trust
    In my heart you will always stay
    Let god take care of you I must

    In life its hard to find a friend
    A friend so special and true
    Whenever I think of this friend
    In my heart Lucas I think of you

    He was an angel walking on earth. I just wanted to let you know how I felt. I’m incredibly sorry that you lost that angel of yours.
    ~Alexis Ghareeb

  3. Marge jones says:

    This Psalm got me thru radiation! Praying for you…..

  4. Lyvonne Lees says:

    Melissa – I think of you every SINGLE day. I can’t say exactly why you are in my thoughts so very much. I think of your pain, your strength and your healing. And then I wonder “how can she possibly heal from this”? I have never had a loss even close to your devastation, so why am I brought to tears every time I pray for you? I think maybe it is because I think of my own children and the severe pain that was perpetrated by one of our adopted children, and I realize that we are all beginning to heal from that. Yet, although I absolutely love and adore all my kids, there are a few that are especially close to my heart – because of the way they live their lives for others. I can’t imagine our lives without every single one of our kids being in it. Your pain and strength has brought me closer to God in many ways, and our children are moved to Live like Lucas – so that is a blessing too.

  5. Kristina says:

    I am only one month into this new club that I hate. BUT thank you for blogging this. I feel similar and it helps reading something from another mom that feels the same. Friends and family care but can’t understand the same way as another mom of a teen.

  6. Arlene DeYoung says:

    Hi Melissa,
    I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I would like to help your family with meals. I live in the Greenbrier Neighborhood, have a son at GES and two others at Ada Vista. We also attend Ada Bible. If you could contact me so I could coordinate some times that would be great! If not, I will keep praying for your family. Your a strong inspiration and I would like to give back a little for what you have done for me. In God’s Love, Arlene

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