Monthly Archives: February 2015

Up at 6 again. I hate this. My bed was my comfort, where I could wrap myself in a cocoon of warm blankets and forget that the world exists. Now its only a comfort if I’m asleep. When I’m lying in bed awake its when my mind processes things. Terrible, horrible things. The way I saw my beautiful, strong handsome boy moaning in the snow covered with blood. In the ER after the life had gone out of him and it already didn’t look like Lucas. I could barely touch him. He looked beaten up, battered, like he had suffered. Pictures of things no one should ever see. No mother especially. I try SO HARD to think of something else but…I can’t.

I put some music on and pretend I’m on a beach. It doesn’t work. I’ve been on so many beaches with Lucas. It seems there is no escape.

I was told yesterday I should write in a journal. This is what I want to write:
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
On every page. Then,
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
This is not fair God.
On the other side.

They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…..really?
So for the rest of life I have to have nightmares of crumpled bodies. Every time I see my family sitting around the table there is someone missing. I can’t look at pictures of him right now. Every vacation, holiday, birthday,graduation- that tall comforting presence will not be there. Seeing anything that had to do with him- gyms,workout clothes, protein shakes, baseball gloves, violas, snowboards, hunting bows- I could probably name a thousand things right now that will cause me heartbreak. I still have to go through his clothes. His ginormous shoes. See the hand prints they made of him in the hospital. I can picture them in my mind- his hands were BIG. Long thin fingers that were skilled at so many things.

I know I will go on. Yet I feel like God has given me too much. Too much.

Who am I to judge what God deems right?

In the Bible he tells the story of Job, man of God. He was a devout and faithful servant of the Lord who lost EVERYTHING he had. His crops, his livestock, every one of his ten children.

Do you know what he said?
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:21

I don’t think I can handle this…but God does.

One of Lucas’ VERY favorite books when he was little is Frog and Toad by Arnold Lobel. It is a book about friendship.  I had kind of forgotten about it until my 2 year year old pulled it out of the archives the other day. I hadn’t seen its tattered pages in quite sometime.

As I was reading it to him, tears were rolling down my face.  It is a “Lucas” book.

The first story is about how Toad doesn’t want to get up in the spring and enjoy the sunshine.  Frog comes over and tries to get him out of bed but Toad just won’t budge. He is grumpy.   He eventually has to change the calendar page to get Toad out of bed.  He wants his friend to enjoy the beauty and glory of spring.

The next story is about how Frog is not feeling well.  The roles are reversed. Toad comes over to Frog’s house and sees he is looking “green” (that part always makes me laugh) and tells him to get in bed and makes him a cup of hot tea. Then Toad wants to tell Frog a story to help him feel better.  He walks in circles, dumps water on his head, and bangs his head on the wall to think of ideas.  Until he is feeling sick.  So Frog gets out of bed and tells Toad to get in. He then proceeds to tell Toad a story.

The stories go on and on: Frog tries to protect Toad from embarrassment in front of the other animals when he wears his bathing suit.  Frog helps Toad search high and low for a lost button.  They collect numerous buttons during the search so Toad sews Frog a special button covered jacket.

Every story is full of Frog and Toad putting each other first.  What happens then? They are GREAT friends.  Inseparable friends.  They know the other will always have their back. What a powerful message.  I think about friendships a lot because Lucas struggled with that. I know that he knew how to be a friend. He just didn’t feel like he had many true friends at school and it caused him great sadness.  All I have heard since his passing is that he had many people who liked him respected him.  Considered him a friend.  If only he had known.

If only he had known.

I thank God he had Christian and Jakob.  Their friendship ran deep, through many trials.  They experienced life together.

My take on all this is not only is true friendship selfless but you need to tell others and show others that they are your friends.  Invite them to hang out or go to a game or a movie.  Make them feel included.  You NEVER know who is lonely. Very few show it on the outside.  Yet that invite to experience real human interaction may be the one that keeps them afloat.  As the old saying goes, To have a friend you must be a friend.

Yesterday was bad.  I wasn’t a blubbering mess all day, but being together just with my husband and kids (which hasn’t happened in over two weeks) was difficult.  Everyone in my family is going to grieve differently and we were seeing all kinds of grief. Anger, irritability, crying at what appears to be nothing, general grumpiness.  For me I was just tired all the way down to the marrow in my bones.

First of all-  church.  I will never miss church again unless there is a typhoon, hurricane, or 7 feet of snow.  However getting my children ready is like running a marathon. OK, a short one but its a short uphill one.  They don’t know what to wear.  They don’t want to wear what I pick out.  Someone forgot to shower….hmm how can we cover that one up.  Where’s the other sock.  I lost my coat.  I don’t want to go.  Then everyone is finally in the car and I can’t find my purse, I need a waterbottle, and a safety pin.  With all the mounds of junk in the house I can’t find one safety pin.  Getting ready for church is a less than desirable activity.

So we finally make it to church, and of course that is awesome.  I feel the word to every song like its beating in my heart. One song about Jesus laying down his life almost broke me down but my friend Steph was there to hold me hand.  The preaching is always so spot on. Jeff Manion is a superstar preacher.  In his humble, gentle way he weaves an intricate tapestry of God’s word and our lives in a way that makes it feel like he is speaking only to you.  If you are not feeling as inspired maybe you should try Ada Bible.  It leaves me in awe every time.  Like a laser pointer of God’s grace and love and mercy is pointing right at my life.

So after getting lunch in the bellies of four cantankerous children my husband said “we are going to go to the gym.” I could have said no but I didn’t want to.  I knew he needed me to help the kids get ready for swimming, Well mostly he wanted me to work out.  Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. NOOOOOOOOO.  So after he got them in the pool, instead of heading to the elliptical I decided spur of the moment to go in the hot tub.

That was a very good decision.  It felt like the jets and hot water were just soothing away all the pain.  Then someone next to me, a Mom and daughter started talking about basketball.  Lucas had played some basketball until his head injury (a MRSA infection,he had to have blood clot removed, had skull removed then put back) when he was ten.  Then he played one season last year.  He tried out for FHC’s team and made it but ultimately decided not to play because he wanted to focus on academics.  It was a struggle for him to maintain his grades the last couple of years because he was having memory and focus problems most likely from the previous infection.

So as this Mom and daughter are talking and sitting in the hot tub, it feels so healing but tears are starting to stream down my face.  Then I hear her say something about a game for Lucas.  I immediately sit up, open my eyes and say ‘that’s my son!”

Then I learned who the daughter was.  It was Annalee Konsoer-Rose.  I am sure many of you have heard of her.  She is a FHE senior and outstanding basketball player who has been battling a spinal cyst.  After talking with her for minutes I knew she was an old soul like Lucas.  She has that heart for others.  She had heard of Lucas and immediately felt a connection. She was trying to come up with something to do to honor him at her school.  She offered to distribute the Live Like Lucas bracelets.  I was so blessed to have spoken to her.  I knew immediately God has sent us to the same place at the same time.  As we were talking in the hot tub and I was telling her more about Lucas’ life and what kind of kid he was, everyone in the hot tub started crying.  I told them about my blog.  God touched other lives and I was encouraged by a simple hot tub visit.

So my bad day wasn’t so bad after all.  Its just getting through those tough moments.  Its about building up the resolve and determination to carry on.  Beautiful things will happen.

I think of my road as rocky, thorny, sometimes smooth and sometimes quicksand.  Uphill and downhill.  Jesus does not promise it will be easy.  He promises he will hold my hand, guide me, and light the way.

As David says in Psalm 119:105, “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”

Someone just told me “don’t be scared, be Lucas. Be the momma he would want you to be.”  I couldn’t agree more- especially about the be like Lucas part.  I have already changed so much.  I hope to be so much more Christlike.  Lucas-like.  My daughter said to me last night, through her tears, “Lucas was like Jesus. He wanted to help people.”

That pretty much sums it up for me.  Its not about Live Like Lucas- its really Live Like Jesus.  Sometimes it helps though, to have a real human being to look to who lived and walked among us, in 2015, to really shake us into that life.  My goal Is that everyone who looks at Lucas’ life and wants to encompass his kindness, compassion, authenticity, and faith turns to Jesus. That is what its really about.  I will not stop trying until the day the Lord calls me to heaven.  God is using this to turn people to him.  I feel it in my bones.

I am always thinking about how it took me going into this horrific painful place to get me to realize how to really lean on God. Then I thought, for me it took being at the bottom of that gorge to see the beauty of the mountain tops.  A friend sent this verse to me-

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

I think that is one of the most beautiful verses I have ever heard.

I am praying that everyone is led to that rock.