darkness

I hope you aren’t reading this with a faint heart.  Today was the worst day of my life.  Yesterday was a blur, I was floating a cloud of people, caffeine, adreneline, disbelief.  Today I am a puddle on the ground.  It tried to go to his funeral planning session and I couldn’t breathe.  I was shaking, I was nauseous.  I had to leave and as I walked out I crumpled on the sidewalk and wailed and screamed.  The reality of picking out a casket for your child is one of those things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I wish I could have been stabbed instead or beat in the head with a baseball bat.  I just want to sink down in the ground and be gone.  I don’t want to die because I have four beautiful alive children that need me.  I just don’t know I’m ever going to be able to be a parent to them.  I’m not whole anymore.  I’m broken. Shattered.