I fall so short sometimes. I wake up with the best intentions and a heart just wanting and needing to praise and worship and I fall so short.
I am only human and I know God knows that and it comforts me. He made me and he knows me and he loves me.
We sang Great is thy Faithfulness in church this morning and I love sitting in the very front and the music just vibrates through your whole body. Every word saturates my soul and I pour it out to my Creator.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
The tears start to flow because I believe in that mercy and that hand that hath provided and somehow gotten me through this unspeakable pain. I believe…I believe that God is faithful.
Yet I am sitting in the front of the auditorium and suddenly I remember being there before. Three months ago. With my little boys…his… coffin… he was in there. He was not supposed to be there. He was strong and vibrant and a beautiful spirit and he was not supposed to be in a box. Not in this church. Not in this church where I sing of God’s faithfulness.
I run out with mascara streaming down my cheeks and I sob. And sob. Until there is no more.
I think about how I miss him SO TERRIBLY its like I’m missing oxygen, I’m like a fish out of water…gasping for breath.
I’m so tired of turning my back on my children because of my tear stained eyes and my voice catching in my throat as I answer them.
I feel sick because there are no pictures up of him in my house. I feel sick because I cannot look at his beautiful angelic face. It hurts like a dull butcher knife carving out my heart. When I am on facebook I don’t look at the pictures. They are there but I don’t look.
I hate that his room is closed up and I have not gone in there in three months and I don’t know if I ever will again.
His baseball shoes are sitting in the garage. I don’t dare touch them. I don’t want to move them and I don’t want to look at them. Oh how I loved to watch him play baseball. To watch him pitch- like poetry in motion. To watch him catch a ball at first base his arms and legs seeming endless…he was supposed to play baseball. He was supposed to…
I feel sick because I am so so angry because he is gone and I don’t feel like that is faithfulness. I couldn’t sing it. I couldn’t.
I’m stumbling right now. Sometimes it just hurts so bad I don’t know how to fit my suffering into the category of “God cares for me.” I hope someday I understand.
Love- I understand
Salvation- I understand
Suffering and death. I don’t get it right now.
Romans 3:23-24
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
6 Responses to Falling short