I hate waking up and realizing that everything is the same as it was yesterday.  He’s still gone.  I’m scared. So scared.

I’m scared I won’t be able to go on with the rest of my life.  I went to a school event with my daughter last night.  I really, really wanted to go for her.  To show her that she still has a mommy that wants to do things with her.

It was so hard.  I texted a friend last night, I feel like my insides have been carved out and replaced with broken glass.  Everything hurts so bad.  Everything at the school reminded me of him. I wasn’t expecting that.  I had forgotten that an artist by the name of Tom Woodruff would be there; who taught Lucas drawing at Goodwillie.  Lucas was always gushing about “woody.” One thing I am certain about, was Lucas knew who the good people were.  He knew who really cared.  I’m not really sure how I got through the “drawing” section of the evening, because I could barely hold it together.  I just knew I wanted to tell Woody how much he meant to Lucas.  They had seen each other after Goodwillie and talked and Lucas was really impressed he still remembered his name.  Woody treated him like an old friend.  People like Tom Woodruff need to be told they are making a difference.

What I was getting at is I am terrified of going on without Lucas. Going on so broken and hurting.  If a simple Eager Reader Night was difficult how am I ever going to function again.  How am I going to go to basketball games.  Lucas played on an MVP team last year.  I don’t know how I will do watching Brooklyn play softball; so similar to baseball.  Lucas’ love.  How am I going to do ANYTHING.

I am scared of remembering.  When memories of him start flooding back I shut down.  I try not to remember.  As much as possible I try not to think about him, at least not in depth. I can think of his heart, and soul and mind, but not the physical Lucas.  I want to hug his tall lanky frame and mess up his curls so bad,  That is unthinkable pain- remembering the physical.  That is when I am hanging by a rope above an abyss ready to fall in.

Yet I cling for all its worth.  I cling to that rope that is my faith.  I grip is with my entire being knowing God will not let me fall into that abyss.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Last night this song gave me so much comfort. Please, please, listen to it and let it comfort you.

He knows


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