heaven

Someone just said in one of the quotes on here, “it must have been hard to live as a high school student when your true home is in heaven.”

Thank you for that. Thank you thank you thank you.  Even though reading that hurts like NOTHING ELSE it is so true.  I don’t understand God.  I’m trying so hard not to be angry.  I know you are a loving God.  I know you are grieving with us.  I know that it is this sinful world that causes hurt and pain and death.  I’ve learned it since I was a little girl but when faced with your beautiful son being taken from you, that you loved more than you thought humanly possible, it seems so shallow.  I had him for fifteen years but it was not enough.  He could have done so much more.  As selfish as it sound I NEEDED HIM.  He was my rock.  I had always heard teenagers were trouble and difficult and made you want to pull out your hair.  My Lucas was my rock.  As I said before he cared about my feelings ahead of his own always.  Sure we fought about silly things.  He always wanted me to take him to the gym.  He was obsessed with working out.  His body was his temple.  God’s temple.  He wanted it to be the best it could be.  I didn’t wanted to take him all the time, I was too tired. Too busy.  We fought a bit about him texting his friends when he should be studying.  But that was his outlet.  The gym was his outlet.  He needed that.  I was being selfish.  Yet if I said to him, cmon Lucas why don’t you get back to homework.  Go play piano for a little while.  I’ll take you to the gym tomorrow.  He would do it.  He was my angel and I need him.

I need his hugs.  His warmth. His gentle voice saying, “its okay momma”

Why God. Why.


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