Keep pressing on

I haven’t written in awhile.  A whole 11 days.  I don’t know what to say, except “God help me, I hurt. I hurt so bad.”

That probably sounds very strange- I was writing almost every day the first couple of months, and ideas would come to me, things to write about, things that I felt like should be said…

Then the pain just got too much.  The sting prevented me from writing.  Grief is a strange strange animal.  I have found it to get more real, more potent, more like a barbed wire strangling my heart.

I still don’t even want to believe it.  I can’t wrap my mind around it.  Its been three months since my baby died.  I will never, ever wrap my mind around it.  You might as well tell me the earth is flat.  The fact that he is never again walking this earth is inconceivable to me.

I am still consumed by thoughts of that day, the horrific-ness of it all, unable to get past images and feelings and terror.

I have learned what it is to suffer.  To really suffer. It has changed my whole life.  To learn to live with suffering.

I have learned to feel closer to Jesus through suffering.  I think about his life on earth and all the horror that he went through.  I think of the world and all the pain and hunger and loneliness and grief- our fallen world that Jesus just wants to wrap his arms around and redeem.  I realize I am part of that plan.

That is the key- I am part of that plan.  Every tear that falls from my eyes and every day I wake up with my stomach filled with knots and my heart so, so heavy I am part of that big picture.  I can wake up just wanting to GIVE UP because its TOO MUCH and I can’t. I can’t give up. He tells me about His plans.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

I am listening to God.  I am trying to listening as hard as I can through the noise and cacophony of the world and what I hear is “do what Lucas would do.  Do what you know his heart would want. Carry out his legacy.  I made him and I know his beautiful heart and it was meant to change people.”

It is a pretty powerful thing to feel God giving you a purpose.  I am so thankful for others who have helped me carry out Random Act of Kindness Day and Teacher appreciation day, who have donated to the Lucas Van, who continue to pray for us and our mission.

Suffering is a powerful thing.  It brings us closer to God. It humbles us.  It makes us realize how very little the things of the world matter.  Suffering makes us realize that our time on earth is but a grain of sand on a beach, our human life is so infinitesimally  small compared to the glory we will experience in heaven.  I will admit, yes I feel like heaven cannot come fast enough.  We feel like our earthly life is dragging so slowly when life is hard.

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

The suffering can be endured…because there is hope, there is a plan, and there is a prize. press forward


10 Responses to Keep pressing on

  1. E.S. says:

    Melissa,

    “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you Peace. This day and forevermore.”

    E.S.

  2. Kathy Dykstra says:

    Amen !

  3. Debbie says:

    You remain in my prayers.

  4. Jennifer says:

    Even when you’re silent, I’m still thinking of you and praying for you.

  5. Tammy says:

    This is so beautiful. When I read this, it made me think of this song by Amy Grant called, Better Than a Hallelujah:

    http://youtu.be/zOHJghBU0XA

  6. Debra says:

    Melissa, Your words are beautiful and powerful and have reached a place in my heart that is lasting. Not one day has passed since January 16th that I failed to think of you and your pain. It is as if I am “wired” to hope for your healing… that somehow, the piercing ache you feel will lighten. It hasn’t been very long since you were forced to say goodbye to your beautiful son. And yet, here in this blog your heart longs for God and you are secure in the knowledge that this life is fleeting and much of what we seek falls short of what we truly need while here. Remember you are being thought of consistently by people who do not know you (myself). It is certain that Lucas lives on in our hearts.

  7. Kelly says:

    God put this song on my heart when I saw your post this morning. It’s “Steady Heart” by Steffany Gretzinger. http://youtu.be/JLScpaXiJeg
    Though we haven’t met, I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to do so.

  8. Birgit says:

    Melissa, I decided finally that I wanted to send you a message even though I have been following your blog for quite awhile. Even though we don’t know each other we have some things in common…I lost my precious daughter, Cindy, in a car accident in 1988, also on Cascade Road and she was also a student at FHC. You have a gift for putting your grief and emotions into words and I can feel with you when you describe what it’s like to miss Lucas with your entire heart, soul and being. Even though we know that we will see them again and that the Lord has a plan for our lives the part of missing them on earth is overwhelming. I used to describe it as if someone had put a tree inside of me, then poured acid on it and then yanked it out. I remember someone telling me that it never gets any better. That was devastating to hear. What I want to encourage you with is that you will always miss Lucas and wonder what life would have been like if he had lived, it does get “better” over time. We humans couldn’t survive if the grief stayed as strong, but there will be a time when it doesn’t control you like it does now. Grief can’t be decreased when shared like joy can be increased when shared. We have to carry it alone. Yet thankfully our Lord can carry us as we are grieving. I know many are praying for your family and I will lift you up to the Lord as well. You are doing the things that I think Lucas would be very proud of.

  9. Joan says:

    All these words are beautiful all from the heart & souls of all who are of the family of God!! We all are intertwined here on earth & connected by our belief & love in Jesus Christ. Because of that; we care & can only help by praying for you and your family for strength!! I have been praying for you also each night. Keep listening to God & know He knows your suffering–He is there to hold you &carry you each day. God bless you & your family!!

  10. Wendie says:

    I was driving carpool this week, with some of Lucas’ classmates. My son ran in to the house to get something he forgot and I was chatting with his friend about “stuff”, and he mentioned Lucas, and you. How much you had done for their community of kids since Lucas died. How inspiring you were, and how much hope your message gave him. I just thought you should know – I was so moved by his comments. These conversations must happen all the time and there is so much good there. Faith, love, and growth, and goodness.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *