I have lost a child. There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.
Yet how I deal with it now is everything. My attitude about it is everything.
Yes I have very bad days, a lot of them where I choke back tears all day. My stomach feels sick all day. I feel that angst, that want, that need that ache to have my son back that feels so overpowering that nothing else can matter, I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t….
Then I come back to some sort of center where I know I will go on, I have to go on, Lucas wants me to go on, God put me on this earth to be something other than a grieving mother.
Most of the time right now that is all I am, I look like I am doing other things but inside all I do is grieve.
Sometimes I see the big picture. Mostly in people, that God has given me, so that I can survive. In verses, in songs, and in people.
Today I did yoga with Kelly Shomin who is on my list of “best people ever” (doesn’t everyone kind of have a list like that?). Something called restorative yoga. Its amazing. I will tell you why- there are very few times I can actually feel un-sad and un-anxious and actually…good? It almost feels like an exaggeration. I feel good. I feel peace. The best part of today was she shared this poem by Mother Teresa.
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful
If you are honest and sincere, people may cheat you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years building someone could destroy overnight.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may not be enough.
Give them your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
Bless her heart, she said it reminded her of Lucas. It does because it also reminds me of the Albert Einstein quote I said at the game, “Life isn’t worth living unless it is lived for someone else.”
I may be sad and heartbroken and crushed but I am not here for me. I was created by the Creator to do his work. That is the only way I can feel true joy. That is the only way I will be able to get past my pain. That is the only way that I will be able to heal. I know my definition from here on our is “mother who has lost a child,” but that does not mean I cannot be “mother who does God’s work.” I will do it not only because I know that is what I was created to do but because my beautiful boy would want me to. I know that is where I get the courage.