peanut butter

Today I stared at a peanut butter jar and wept.

I wept because that same peanut butter jar has been in my cupboard for weeks now.  I mean, its a big jar, but we used to go through those like nothing.  I would be buying a twin pack of the even bigger jars at Sam’s at least once a month.  I was at the store getting four gallons of milk once a week.  Now the milk just…sits.  The only one left who really likes milk is Brady.  He’s only three.  He drinks maybe 12 ounces a day.  So the milk just sits.

Oh my Lord, there was a person who who used to go through our food like GANGBUSTERS.  No wonder he was so big.

What I wouldn’t give to have that huge grocery bill again.

What I wouldn’t give to have him pester me to get more almonds or hummus or guacamole for Pete’s sake.  OH WHAT I WOULD NOT GIVE.

He always wanted to go to the store for something and it pretty much annoyed me.  Well that and the gym, and I was like DUDE! I cannot handle any more running around right now!!

I would drive him around for the rest of my life if I could.

Sometimes when I am lying awake at night and it hurts so bad, so bad, so BAD I play bargaining with myself.  I don’t know why, it doesn’t makes things better its just something I do.  I say to myself, I would give up every. single. thing. I own, every penny I have, I would walk on hot coals every day just to spend one more day with him.  Even just a day.  I try to imagine the most extreme pain and misery and deprivation I would go through just to have him back.  I have thought, what about jail? Would I go to jail? Yes, yes I would.  The strange and bizarre games my head plays.

The reminders of him are everywhere I look and everything I live.  Halloween.  Every costume he wore flashes through my head.  Who he trick or treated with.  Last year at his orchestra concert he was supposed to dress up, so as the on- top- of- it Mom I am, I went and got him an old man mask and dorky cardigan sweater that day.  He was less than thrilled but he wore it.  At least while he walked out on stage and then took  it off (so he could see his music).  He later went to a Halloween party with friends.  He was here a year ago.  He lived and thrived and ate lots of peanut butter and went to parties.  I could give him a hug and rumple his hair and hear his voice.

We have a bathroom downstairs that no one uses to get ready in.  Anymore.  He used to.  I opened the drawer for the first time a few days ago and saw his deodorant, his toothpaste, his cologne.  The cologne he had gotten for christmas that year.  Untouched since he last used them on his last day on earth.

What is the moral of the story today? I don’t know. I just have these moments, times, hours of sheer unadulterated misery and I don’t know what to do but sit down at my computer.  I usually cry silently but today miracle of miracles there is no one here.  I can scream at the top of my lungs and wail and moan.  Yup scary I know but it helps.  It helps that people cry with me.  That others miss him too.  That people actually click the link and read this because they want to know how I am doing today…even though its incredibly sad.  Then if they see me later I most likely have a smile on my face.  Not that it is a fake smile neccessarily.  It’s that I grieve, and I grieve hard and then I have to get with my day.  Not that I won’t see 20 things in the grocery store that stab at my heart but I have to keep going.  You just keep going.

You just keep going.  I am sure that many many people who read this, maybe all, have something heavy that lies on their heart.  I have a friend who is having breast cancer surgery today.  I am praying for her, right now this moment.  That is scary as hell.  Life is scary and hard and heartbreaking.  You just keep going.  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.

restore confirm establish

7 Responses to peanut butter

  1. Rachel Kibbe says:

    Love you. I think about YOU every time I get out the peanut butter (which is a lot), and I pray for you. It’s amazing how God used that peanut butter in that apartment so many years ago to make sure I would remember to pray for you now. Beautiful and heart breaking. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Kristin D. says:

    Dear Melissa,

    I do click through your links, and read your posts, to see how you are doing and to know how to pray for you. I don’t often comment, because I know my words aren’t enough and I’m often afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and that my words will sting instead of soothe. Please know that our hearts still ache for you, and that we pray for you and your family all.the.time. I look forward to hearing updates about the foundation, and tangible ways we can help to grow Lucas’s legacy. Sending you much love, and many prayers.


  3. Carole says:

    I am out here reading your blog, praying for you and your whole family each and every day. It just breaks my heart that you are going through so much unadulterated, horrible, tragic, awful, meaningless pain. I want to take it away from you but I can’t. I think the fact that you write about Lucas and tell us about him and his life is such a good way to share him with the world and keep his memory alive in your heart and in the community. I thought about you all day on Halloween. Thinking that you had four children to get ready and that the hole in your heart was so deep and dark and lonely without having Lucas there. I sometimes feel like I don’t even have a right to think about you so much because I don’t even know you or your family. I feel like maybe people will think it is false sentiment that I feel for all of you. But then I remember that I am a mom, and I know that the pain you are going through is every mom’s worst nightmares come true. And I feel helpless to help you to get through this. But I feel like I have to write something, anything, so that you know that you are not alone. Of course I do not even begin to try to imagine how you feel because no one can know that unless they have lost a child as well. I know that I want God to care for you and to try to help you to have strength and energy to get through one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day so that you can just keep on surviving for yourself, your husband and your children. Lucas included. He wants you to not only survive, but to one day be happy again. I know you don’t think that you will be happy again EVER. But I have hope that with God’s love, your community, your family, your friends, your church, etc.. that you will get to some kind of a place where you can find some peace. My heart, support and love to you as you navigate the awful process of grieving.

    • Dawn Van Boxtel says:

      Dear Melissa,

      Your beautiful and poignant writing touches so many people’s lives … across the country and world. We all grieve with you & wish we could reach out & bring sweet Lucas back for you… to all of the lives he touched so positively. Our hearts ache with yours. It’s a painful journey but please know you are not alone.

      You and your family are in all of our thoughts and prayers constantly. We do not know God’s vision for all of this but the impact you & Lucas have had to date in spreading God’s light and love is profound and boundless. May you feel His love and support along with your friends’ & family’s surround you in a huge, warm bear hug. You CAN do all things through Him. Scream, cry, yell, whatever you need to do. It’s ok. You are a strong woman of faith, but you are human, like the rest of us. You have managed to do so much and impact so many lives in honoring Lucas despite all your pain. You are my hero & inspiration. You make me a better parent. So please know, we’re here for you. We’re all swimming with you, even though it’s not nearly enough. We would love to shoulder some of your pain if it were possible. Please let us know when & how we can help. Always more than willing to pitch in … in ANY way that lightens your load. Love you Melissa.

  4. Mary Dunn says:

    Praying for you and yours. Can’t imagine losing one of my children… Just remember God loves you

  5. Joan says:

    Very true -We keep going but happy we have God to be there to talk to anytime of the day!!! God be with you always praying for you!!

  6. Debra P. says:

    Dear Melissa, Many are still very interested in your writing. Strangely, I cannot get Lucas off my mind and I suppose as difficult as that is I believe that is how he “stays” in our hearts. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

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