waves

I just met with a group of amazing women.  They wanted to pray with me, support me, just be with me.  It was so healing.  Some of their children knew my son and were able to share stories. We were able to laugh and talk and cry.  It was one of the most loved times I have ever experienced.  God sent those women to me tonight.  I see him in so many little things.  So many big things.  Everywhere.  I see his hand.

I probably should have just gone to bed when I got home from the meeting.  However somehow always feel like I need to write. Something just compels me.

The visitation was hard.  Just close friends and family.  Its not the people thats hard to deal with.  I feel their love and support.  Their pain is palpable to me and I know they miss Lucas terribly too.  Its just a different pain that they have.  Its like on a whole other plane.  Every time I hug someone a little voice cries out “but you didn’t just lose your son.  You don’t know.  You can’t. Even. Begin. To. Fathom.” I don’t think the English language really has enough words for pain and loss.  You feel pain when you stub your toe.  You feel pain when you lose your dog.

When I saw my precious boy in a casket that is when I hit rock bottom. To see the child you gave birth to, you changed his diapers, you brought him to kindergarten, you loved on and cared for every. Single. Day…and its not him any more.  That body that you cared for is not him anymore.  There will be no more big warm hugs and affectionate head rubs.  That caretaking, that physical presence is never coming back.

The pain of losing a child is so deep and dark and gaping.  You can’t breathe.  You can’t stand.  Your entire body and mind is filled with a pain that goes beyond the word pain.  Suffering. Agony. Torment.  When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane his torment was so deep he sweat blood.  Jesus our Lord begged for God not to put him through the agony of death. He was God, and he still said “if it is your will father take this cup from me.”  It gives me comfort that our Lord loved us enough not just to die for us but to go through that pain.  That agonizing, tormenting, visceral pain.

So I will wait. I will wait for Jesus to come again to I can be with Lucas.

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”